Words of Wisdom ...or so it seems...


Wednesday, 11 August 2010

The real test for fasting......

Ah yes. It's the time of the year again, a month of patient testing...but this month, it's my patience that is being tested. In case you missed my last year's ranting about questions that irritates me, well, let me present it to you in another style.

I don't mind fasting, but I seriously hate fasting month when it comes to the traffic jam, and the traffic of obtuse patients coming into the clinic, coming in to test my patience. Hey, I have patients, but not much of patience myself.

Here are some of the top questions you should not ask a Muslim, but especially when she's a chronic eccentric and temperaMENTAL doctor who's having a PMS like 24/7 during the fasting month (Probably due to some metabolic inborn error yet to be diagnosed). But of course, I will maintain my Poker Face, as part of preserving professionalism... ;->

1. Do not ask, "I don't want to break my fast, but can I get MC so I can rest at home".
Bloody hell, please don't get your priority mixed up. Fasting is important, but when you are not well, you are not suppose to fast. Period. So, you're telling me if you have a slight headache that can be alleviated simply by taking some medication, you would rather not do that in order to not break the fast you are told to break when you are not well, and take MC until your headache clears off by natural process? Exactly my point.

2. Do not ask, "Is it okay to put the thermometer in my mouth? Won't it nullify my fast?" should be grateful you are not some mind reader, particularly at that moment of time. Because if you are, you will hear the answer going on in my brains, and it's really rather nasty. I have a few options, hey, I'm fickle minded, blessed with creativity.

Potential answers:
# A. Do you feel satiated if I put this in your mouth?
#B. Would you rather me put it rectally? It's not considered as eating if you're putting something where food comes out from, of course, unless if you enjoy sodomy with a small object, then better not take the risk of nullifying your fast.
#C. Not unless you enjoy giving a blow job to a thermometer?
#D. Do I look like someone who's capable of coming up with statements like "Boobs causes earthquake" or "Crosses causes infidelity"?
#E. All of the above, if there is no patient queue

Actual answer, "What do you think? Do you want me to check you?"

(Click onto rabbit hole for more crap)

3. Ask me, "would inhaling the nebulizer gas for my asthma nullify my fast?"
Rolling my eyeballs up by this time. I would have said, "You need to not die in order to be able to fast"
4. Ask me, "is it okay to put that gel on my ulcer?". Answer in my twisted mind: "It's not KY jelly and your mouth is going to feel numb anyway after applying the Oral Aid, even if you intend to put something else of ecstatic value after applying the gel"
Standard answer: " Ask your ustaz".

5. Ask me, "Can I do pap smear and not nullify my fast". Answer in my mind: "The last normal pap smear warrants a repeat of 2 years after that, and you come during fasting month, which happens once a year to ask me that? I don't know about you, but I don't get excited doing pap smear, fasting or otherwise "

Standard answer: Ask your ustad

6. Ask me, "can take blood to check for dengue? Won't it nullify my fast?"
Answer :" Kindly refer to answer given on question #3.

7. Ask me "Won't checking my breasts/genitals nullify my fast? Maybe I should do it after breaking my fast".
Answer : "Maybe nullify yours if my hands are warm, tender and sensuous in motion while examining them. Maybe you should break fast with me fondling your genitals/breasts, but you have to give me a moment to break my fast with food, which actually satisfies my satiety"
Standard answer: What do you think? I know I won't nullify my fast examining your breasts/genitals. I don't really like milk. I get my calcium from anchovies and calcium tablets.
8. Ask me, "is it okay for you to do a proctoscope on me?" (proctoscope is to insert an iron gadget up the anus to scope ). Answer for team pink, "Why? Has your G-spot migrated to your anus from your vagina?''. Answer for team blue, "Would that give you some kind of orgasm? Do you want to talk about it?"
Standard answer : Ask your ustad.
Sigh....when are people going to grow some reasoning skills?

10:100 It is not for a person to acknowledge except by God's leave. He casts the affliction upon those who do not reason.

Rabbit hole ends here.

...Click here to find out how deep the rabbit hole goes.....

Monday, 2 August 2010

Tips for the obese.....

Are you fat and are tired of being one? Are you tired of being ridiculed by the people around you because you are obese? Are you tired of listening to jokes like, " He's so fat, he cannot even see his own erection"?

On personal note, I have nothing against fat people, nor do I find joy in making fun of them (only if I'm trying to get my point across do I make an exemption). In fact I've dated a few of them and you know what, underneath those layers of goodness, there is more goodness inside. And they are so very hug-able and tender both outside and inside.

My problem with fat people is purely medical. I nag at them about their obesity every time they visit me for consultation. I see them struggling just trying to loose all that weight because it is not easy, I can tell you that.

Here are some of the problems obese people face:

Actually, this can be nature's way of making them not gain too much of what they normally gain, if they can reach for more food...

They get wet....

But cannot get off........
This happens to not only the obese by the way....

They spook their pets.....

And sometimes can't find them....
So why is it so difficult for obese people to loose all that weight?? Casting aside medical reasons for obesity, through experience, Garfield have managed to come up with a good and truthful answer;

Sometimes, they settle for staying in denial....

Not to mention lame excuses.....

So I'm going to post a few tips on how to loose weight.

But first and foremost, please understand one thing. LOOSING WEIGHT IS NOT ABOUT TEMPORARY LIFESTYLE CHANGE. IT'S TO CHANGE YOUR LIVES FOREVER, GET IT? FOREVER.... unless and unless you get this, don't bother wasting your time because just like quitting smoking, one can only quit if one have the will to quit and the will power to power him through. Loosing weight is not about starving oneself so that she can fit into that dress she wants to wear to that wedding next month. It's about trading your sedentary lifestyle with that of a healthy and balanced one forever.

Here's a couple of tips, off the top of my mind....(bear in mind, you HAVE to exercise and start with brisk walking or swimming. Do not start with something that may cause you injury, like badminton or even jogging. Injury means rest hence gain weight . It's a vicious cycle..Once you loose a some weight, then go ahead. P.S. careful with the increased appetite after swimming)

1. Do not skip will lower your metabolic rate by doing so. The body sees the starvation as the coming of shortage of food supply, and so it automatically decreases your metabolic rate. So the next time you eat, the calories be fully kept in preparation of the anticipated starvation state to come. Keeping food in the body means formation of fat.

2. To make yourself full, dip some wholemeal bread into good ol' olive oil and eat it before you eat your actual meal. This way, you will be full of the goodness of wholemeal bread and olive oil, and you still get to eat what you like, but not that much, since you're already full of those bread and olive oil.

3. Most of the diet are basically based on "Glycemic Index". So I would recommend you to understand this concept of eating. You can actually get to cheat on food if you understand what and when to eat with what combination of food.

4. Park your car far away so that you are forced to walk.

5. Drink lots of cold water - unlike what our "orang tua tua kata". You see, it is nature's law that when two objects of different temperature comes into contact, the heat will travel from the higher temperature to the lower, until both becomes of same temperature. So when we drink cold water, the body will automatically try to warm this water up, and it does that by burning calories. Besides, cold water in bulks is also serves as an appetite suppressant

6. Fidget : dance when you have the chance, when no one's looking. I dance all the time when I'm in the elevator...until I found out a month later, that that elevator have a hidden camera installed..well, that's another story...

7. Walk to get your food at lunch time. Then drink lots of water to quench the thirst from all that walking before eating.

8. Just stick to cold water.

9. Make love not war. Make lots of love, you'll burn the calories and get those good hormones out. Err..if you're a Muslim, and not married...try to not get caught's not healthy staying in jail.

10. Eat dinner as early as possible. I eat mine sometime around 6pm and latest 7.30pm.

11. Reward yourself from time to time with a nice meal you crave for, but make sure you exercise off the calories.

12. If all else fails, seek professional help. The nagging we provide is enough to increase your stomach acid content and make you purge out your misery....