Words of Wisdom ...or so it seems...


Wednesday, 29 August 2007

My Biggest Occupational Hazard

I love my job. I love everything about it. Well,almost everything. I don't quite like the bosses. Most of them anyway.(yes, I am at the bottom of the food chain obviously). Then again, who does. Even the office Ass Lickers don't like the owner of the Ass they kiss religiously everyday at work in pursue of climbing the corporate ladder. The bosses are not meant to be liked. It's their job description. In fact, sometimes,they are even hated. Why do you think the pay is huge? It is to compensate for the emotional damage, of the depression of knowing that no one likes them at the workplace, even though the employees seem extremely polite and with constant smiley faces.

They probably had to fill this form during job application that requires answering questions like:

1. How many times in a year do you find your car mysteriously malfunctioning?
(This question is non applicable to the Proton cars)

2. Have any attempt in severing your car be made yet, and if so, please state the frequency.

3. Any missed, could have been accidents while walking out to get lunch lately?

4. How many times in a year do you suffer from diarrhea, after attending company functions?

4. Have you gotten any express delivery of parcel that contain voodoo dolls in the past 5 years? If so, what are the sizes and quantity of needles used.

5. Have you experienced this uncontrollable farting attack when coming into contact with your chair in the workstation? Have you ever checked if the office petty cash had been spent buying garlic?

7. Have you gotten any spiteful letters , or brochures of the movie "Jangan Pandang Belakang" or death threats throughout your career and if so, please state the frequency.

8. Have you ever experienced chest pains at work, and if so, was there any delay in turn up of the ambulance coming to your rescue?

Gosh.. when I struck lottery, and win big, I will buy the company and become the boss. First, I've got to make a habit of buying lottery. If only I have ample time for about occupational hazard...

Saturday, 18 August 2007

" Khia bollo aaap?"

Picture this. A prominent shopping mall. 20 guards working at a time. 5 of them Nepalis,5 Indonesians,5 are Indians from India. The other 5 are Pakistanis.
A robbery is taking place. Alarm went off. Robbers fled off with a bag full of loots. Guards scattered everywhere., running, perspiring. Walkie talkie buzzing. Then dzzzzzzzzzzzzzaaaaap. Reality bites. Now, can someone tell me in what bloody language are could these metropolitan guards communicate amongst each other to help catch the robbers ( who are probably Malaysians who could not get jobs and turned to crime, due to these influx of "foreigners" working as labour), since non of these "foreigners" could comprehend acceptable amount any language spoken by Malaysians? Hmm...perhaps Afdlin Shauki and Harith Iskandar should consider this scene for "AHA the movie".

I cannot decide which is more irritating. The people who hire the "foreigner" guards or the "foreigner" guards themselves. I mean,is there a point hiring a security body that causes insecurity to the public?

For instance, I went to Giant Hypermart on Saturday. The big gate was still closed at 9am. There stood this two guards, just standing there looking at the car queue building up. They just stood there, allowing only the commercial cars to come in. 0905hrs and still no sign of gate opening. The cars now made 2 rows of queue, the car that came in last cut the original queue to form another. I mean, do you expect anything less from us malaysians? Its to do with the failure of our education system in not just teaching civics, but create awareness of why being civic minded is as important as breathing. Make me the Education Minister, and the first thing I'll do is make Civics a major exam subject. Paper would consist of 30% theory and the rest is field work. That is why I am not the Education Minister. That and my father only earned his "Datuk" title by gaining lots of grandchildren. Ergo, I can barely make it in politics. End of story.

Back to the men in blue, who just stood there, by then, feeling slightly uncomfortable from the angry stares they were getting. If only stares could bore holes, they'd look like a chunk of cheese...Time: 0907hrs and I decided to take matters into my own hands. I went out, walked over to the guards and ask them in bahasa malaysia, then proceeded to English when I got that expression Mr Bean uses when trying to figure out something he could not decipher, asking them whats going on. The only answer comprehensible to me was, "Gate open at 9.15 maam". I looked at my watch, 0910, looked at them in disdain,(it's a thing I learned in Pakistan, when handling what they term as "inferiors"), and was about to ask them back,"What is the difference in opening the gate now?" then , before they thought of answering back,"the difference is five minutes maam", I decided to rephrase my question to," what difference does 5 minutes do to you?". That was when I found out that "Gate open at 9.15 maam" was probably the only English vocabalary these men possess.

It doesn't help that my Hindi/Urdhu, which is another languages these Nepali guards speak, reciprocates their communication skills in English and Bahasa Malaysia. So, having wasted 5minutes in attempt to get the gate opened, the gate finally opened anyway. But I must admit, I walked off, pretending to look smug and as if I was the one who'd manage to get the guards to listen to my command and open the gate there and then. That's something I did not learn from Pakistan, instead, from us Malaysians. Even when you fall down on the pavement, get up, brush yourself, put on a dignified annoyed stare at the ground like it was the ground's fault you caved in to the law of gravity, then walk off with your nose high up in the air, like you just don't care. You can massage the pain later when you reach the corner just 200meters away from where you fell down.

Really. Seriously. Is there a point in hiring dumb guards who do not have simple common sense, not to mention cannot converse in any of our languages? Of course they were ordered to open up the gate at 0915hrs. But using simple common sense plus a wee bit of discretion, upon looking at the car pile up, would have lead these men to open the gates perhaps a little bit earlier than due. After all, customers are always right,excuusssse me. Giant Hypermart should have just put a time automated gate instead, then create another entrance for the traders. Its easier to handle the heartless iron gate, less expectations. On second thoughts, it is becoming clear to me why they chose men over the iron gate. It's Sadism actually.

I suspect someday, God forbid, some riot may occur in Chow Kit Road between the Indonesians and the locals, that perhaps begin with an Indonesian saying, "Itu gampang namanya kok" and a local china man named 'Wah Long Kok' (yeah rite...) , thinking the Indonesian and called him a bastard. But then again, this kind of riot may be instigated by Samy Veloo giving a speach in some kampung area when he say,

" Sayya amat berdukacite, kerane, pemuda pemuda di kampung ini suke mengisap dadee. Walaubagaimanapun, saya amat bersuka cite, kerane pemudi pemudi di sini, gemar menderme daree..." ( Aww..its an old fermented joke my lecturer started in our lecture hall years ago)

Come to think of it, the next time I get into the same scenario with these men in blue, I'd just walk up to them and say, use my charming smile ( Erin Brockevich had great boobs, so I had to settle with a charming smile instead ), and say perhaps, "Hi monyet. Nak makan pisang?", and I know they will smile back at me amicably and reply,"The gate open 9.15 maam" . Now isn't that disservice with a smile?

Wednesday, 15 August 2007

"So You Think You Can Act?"

Doctors can be the biggest actors and actresses. Really. We're entertainers by nature. Almost everyone who comes into the clinic would suffer from something that can be diagnosed and managed during our sleep. So, we tend to entertain patients instead,more of self entertainment actually, as most GPs are basically brain dead anyways.So self entertainment is a form of brain ressussatation to keep the grey matter at least functioning. Forget about curing as we still haven't found the cure for influenza!! Lucky is if the patient comprehends the joke narrated while waiting for the thermometer to be taken out from the patients mouth (I mean, it could be totally awkward just to sit there and stare at the patient after shoving a thermometer down his...). I use to laugh at my own jokes while the patient look at me bewildered. It doesn't help that doctor's jokes are mostly as dry as a menopausing woman.

Why we'd make a good actor/actresses? Well, we tend to show contradictory expressions on our faces , compared to the emotion we felt simultaneously. For instance, I had to put on a straight stoned face when I had to extract this condom that got stuck in a 55year old lady's you-know-what.I was expecting a regular condom when my jaw almost dropped when I saw this weird looking condom at the grip of my forceps. But of course I had to maintain my macho. Suddenly, I felt a gush of laughter choking my breath.(thank God I did not take petai for lunch and of course I did not laugh aloud, its totally unprofessional. Its okay to feel unprofessional, but not to get caught practicing it)... Feasted upon my condom-virgin eyes, was this 1/2 inch long ( or should i say "short"), studded and pink in color condom. To me, it resembled this giant muscular hydra. It was bad enuff that I was traumatized by the UFO(Unidentified F%$@#ing object)-condom, to have found it in an old lady's reproductive system was quite devastating!!!(how come she was having more explicit sex than any of us..totally unfair!!). My mind was boggling,wondering why the hell that 55years old lady bothered having sex at all with someone who uses 1/2inches size condoms. She'd probably be luckier sitting on a washing machine. He..he...he..

Okay, I googled "studded condoms" out of curiousity and found the particular type of condom in question. Apparently, it is called "french tickle condom". I felt like telling the mak nyah, "Honey, at 55, you need more than a just a tickle to get you by..."

MY APOLOGIES FOR THE NAKED WOMAN as I truly do not know how to obliterate the picture, without jeopardizing the precious condom pic. Here's just to share it with all of you. It's a lesson never too late to learn.

Don't they look like toys from china, albeit toys from china are being taken off the market as we are speaking,in view of lack of safety measures...hmmm...obviously the old lady did not read the papers. I doubt chinese papers would print negative things about china products...

My face was straight serious and concern, while my tummy was experiencing Tsunami waves from trying to contain my laughter. That is why, doctor's should not keep a beer belly. It's a dead give away!!

Back to the original context, we doctors cry when listening to a patient who break down because of some domestic problems. Yeah...another hubby having "midlife crisis and since he cannot afford a Harley Davidson, he'd get a new girlfriend instead"...oh tell me something new. In reality, when a doctor cries with you, appear to be intently listening to your problems which you have narrated for the 5th time in that one month, she/he is actually crying because she hadn't had her meal yet, and the gastric pain is inducing the tears. It doesn't help at all when while waiting for the patient to stop whining, we doctors catch a glimpse of the piled up patients' card, all waiting for the whiner to complete the whining and get on with life, so that they could come in and have their turn to whine. about occupational hazard...

Sometimes, when doctors laugh at something you say that you could have sworn isn’t that hilarious, but laugh along anyway just to be polite, it’s probably because they had to find a discrete method of covering up the insidious release of flatulence without the embarrassment of getting caught. It used to be easier when we were in the operating theater, when everyone was made compulsory to wear masks. Even if no one is wearing a mask, we’d still get away with farting by blaming it on an unidentified new anesthetics gas. Haaa,the perks of this profession. Revolting, but true.

Sometimes, when a doctor seemed angry with you for not taking that regular medication, he/she is probably having a bad day (she most likely due to PMS and he most likely because of not getting any…bear in mind, men have two heads, the other head malfunction if the other is not functioning, and vice versa by the way.). Taking it out on the patient may be a vent for the steam build up from frustration within. And you thought we give a shit if you are irresponsible to your own health. You people are so vain.

There you go...if there are any unsung heroes in the world of entertainment, we are the ones. We laugh, we cry, we frown, all for the different reasons... The greatest of actors/actresses, yupp..that’s us…
If someone were to come up with a reality TV show titled, “So you think you can act?”, be wary when any doctors enroll in the competition. They may just walk away with the trophy. And you thought politicians are the biggest act of all….

Monday, 13 August 2007

Spank Her If You Must

My daughter came home one day, almost in tears. Apparently, she made the mistake of not completing her term homework and the teacher made an acid remark regarding her late father. "Please do not use the orphan status to gain sympathy", said the teacher, who is the coordinator of Bahasa Malaysia homework, an orphan herself. She doesn't know my daughter at all, for she had not had the privilege of teaching my daughter's class. From someone who is basically a perfect stranger to my child, she added," if your father is alive today, he would have been ashamed of you".

I thought to myself, had my late hubby is still alive today, he would have told my daughter , "I know it is difficult to finish your homework, as none of your parents could manage that either, during their time in school, but try not to get caught"..

For those of you who had known my late hubby, you'd agree that that is what he's most likely would say. Perhaps even added,not to my daughter, but to me, " thank god our daughter does not spend all her childhood time completing homework designed by Ministers who they themselves have no trust to the education system they had laid out to the Malaysian citizen, instead, send their kids to private schools.".

How exactly would I like my daughter to spend her childhood time? Well,she should spend it being a child of course!! Enjoy it, because she will never get it back!!! That was exactly how I raised her. The house was almost alway messy from a child's activity. Boxes cut out to be transformed into a space shuttle, a barbie doll's house, a demolecularizer box where human demolecularize and dissapear from one zone to another, when they remolecularize.

I remember coming home one day, mira was about 7years old. The maid got a nice acid remark for what I thought to have been failure on her part to clean the cobweb on the lighting set hanging low from the ceiling , casting its light onto our dining table. The maid looked taken aback and blamed my daughter for it. I was about to scream at her, (you know how maids are trained by fellow countrymen to lie no matter what. They will gain 5kilos over 2 months and your child stays super skinny and they would still insist they are not given enough food and your child was the one piping down all the good expensive food into their system!!!). Apparently, my daughter made that cobweb by using PVA glue. She explained to me, with a grin that almost split her cute face into two cute faces, that all she did was rub the glue onto her hands and rub,then clap her hands just below the chandelier, and the small strands of glue would travel up slowly, then deposit onto the surface, forming , walla!! cobwebs!!!...

She's a reader, my daughter. That made her hit precaucious puberty. Once she sat in the TGI Fridays with me. I was busy talking to my friend, and I did not notice a man who was sitting beside her on the single's table, engaged in a conversation with mira. On the way out, the man introduced himself to me and my friend, surprised to learn that mira was actually my daughter, not my sister (god, he should try another pick up line, that's why he was still eating on the single's table) and with this earnestly awed expression , said to me, "your daughter is very intelligent. I really had a great time talking to her. And she's only 9years old!!!"...I smiled and said something for the heck of saying it, then carried on with my journey home, wondering whether, was he genuinely impressed, or is that another not as dumb as the first pick up line, or worse, was he a paedophile? Can't be to carefull nowadays. My crazy friend on the other hand, suggested I bring my child to every joint I go,as I'd probably stand a better chance of getting a man, by making my daughter woo the guys for me. She'd seen me ignore men in public hangouts and she'd given up hope with me!!

Back to the story. I was upset with the teacher who came up with an insensitive remark. It's more irritating, that she doesn't know my daughter at all, yet she could come up with such remarks. Perhaps she made the mistake of using her orphan status to gain pity in her past, but why generalise? She had no right saying something to someone she hardly knew, decided on what that person's dead father would say to her for merely not completing her homework, leaving a child, more devastated by reminding her she's fatherless, rather than not completing her homework. Leave the dead, dead. She had no right to decide what my late hubby would say to my daughter when she failed to finish her homework. Imagine what she'd say to my daughter should she fail Bahasa Malaysia!!! A bigot!! That's what she is. And it is worrying that she's a teacher!!! Can you imagine the impact on our education system, employing these type of teachers with these set of mentality.

Don't get me wrong. My daughter was absolutely wrong in not completing her homework. No excuse for that. But I told her that she need not apologise to anyone for not completing her work. Instead she should stand in front of the mirror, and apologise to herself, as what she did, or rather, did not do, was detrimental to none other that herself.

I have always brought my child up in such a way that she does not feel handicaped without a father. In fact, when she was nominated for "Anugerah Pelajar Yatim Cemerlang", I was against it. She should compete with the rest. Some kids have father, but it is as good as not having one. Why discriminate?

I showed her the certificates of achievement that I had just framed and hang them on the wall. I told her, if her father was alive today, he would be so proud of my daughter, that his heart would burst. I guess, that consoled her, and me.

It was very emotional for the both of us at that particular moment. We consoled each other, by hugging each other in silence. We know, Mira's dad lives on inside of us. No bigot so called educationist can tell us what we already know. My husband would be proud of my daughter, and me, for doing his job quite well. I plan to call the teacher up and tell her " Spank my daughter if you must, but don't remind her she's an orphan"

Tuesday, 7 August 2007

"The Chosen One"

I am "The Chosen One". Being "The Chosen One" (for whatever reason I was chosen and for what I am chosen for, I don't really know), I found myself getting caught for the smallest prank or mistakes. When others could get away with murder, I , on the other hand, get caught on my first wrong deed. I mean, that is why I HAVE GOT TO BE "The Chosen One" !!!!! Trust don't want to be in my position, especially if you're a lawyer or politician or bureacrates, or the local friendly policeman, or some doctors come to think of it !!!

For instance, I was about 5 times late this year to my evening clinic which was suppose to commence by 2pm. You see, there is this "nurse" ( we do not have actual nurses in our clinics but those trained to become a nurse wanabes), who belong to the other doctor's crony .( oh can we blame the government for cronism, when even to the level of our work place, we practice, or rather get thrown into it. This doctor hated me even before I started working because I get 2 saturdays off in a month, and she doesn't...well boo hiphen hoo to her...too bad, I need the saturdays off more than she does, I'm young and vibrant, she's, well...menopaused....).

Now, she (the nurse wanabe) loves finding the smallest of fault and tell tale to the other doctor who sits in the morning at the same clinic, and next thing you know, the I get "THE TALK" from my Medical Director.

You know how sometimes some old ladies are, she and the doctor, they're past the ages of having any interesting topic to talk about because their lives are at a plateau,(children all grown up and hubby paying less attention to them), so they make their lives interesting by minding other people's interesting lives,talk about the ones who have no time to talk about others because they are the ones who are actually busy LIVING....come to think of it, these old farts have even run out of topic of the types of sanitary pads to purchase... This nurse should be working for the CNN or CLIA - (central lack of intelligence), or something. Besides..How come I don't get "the talk" for the rest of the working days that I was not late, that remains a mystery..I'd love to hear my boss tell me, "Dr Sharifah, you've been punctual too many a times. This makes the rest of us look bad. Could you please slow down and abide to the Malaysian Time?" ). Sigh.....

Anyway, back to the story. I was initially pissed off, I mean who wouldn't. I thought, maybe I should become the satan, so that the simplest good deed I do would be noticed and appreciated. It's hard to become an angel, you err 3 times and you get some pep talk from God....

"The patients in this clinic are all educated and fussy. Try not to be late". That was what I got from my Medical Director. Being the Chosen One, I was only angry for 3 seconds. Then I remembered the Rule. "Don't get mad, get even"...

And got even I did. I anounced today to my staff in the clinic who entertained fussy patients, " I was told that I am always late, and this is causing inconvenience to patients as well as to you. I apologised for that and I will make sure it will not occur again. I will be here by 2pm sharp to see our patients. And before I get any complaints about me going home early, I will leave at 4.30pm sharp. Please accept patients who come in even at 4.30 sharp or after that, if I am still in the premises. This is to ensure that our fussy patients are happy." And to, by then,a long faced staff (everyone is happy when the doctor leaves early, so that they get to leave earlier too. Since they complained to the boss of only my coming in late, not leaving slightly early or on time, I decided to screw their happiness. Do unto others how they have doneth unto you...), I added, " It amazes me how other doctors come in half and hour late for the past few years and did not get a single complain from our similar fussy patients, but then again, I am not the share holder" ...I am sure this piece of news is going through our CNN cable and reach the other doctor who hates me.

Today, we finished our clinic at 5pm,(oh! I can be really chatty with my patients when I want to..) and I was pretty sure I pissed my nurses off.especially the old farty nurse..Trust me. From today onwards, I shall make sure everyone leaves by 5pm at every opportunity that comes along. No more feeling sorry for them,leave early so that they could catch the bus home. Hey...they can't run back to the boss now to complain that "Dr Sharifah goes home late.."..It may risk me getting a fat bonus next year....That will cause my enemy pain..

See people, I get two birds killed with one stone.

1. I get to further improve myself as a punctual doctor.
2. I got even...

What can I say. That is why I am the Chosen One..........and you're not...

Thursday, 2 August 2007

"The Great Secret"

I read "The Secret". Unlike my earlier suspicion, I managed to complete the book without becoming mad. Well, mad is a general term. If you're a functioning figure in the society, you'll get away with being branded an eccentric instead. Same thing with the term "Hooker" and "Mistress", just different terminology due to difference in the geography of the work place. Or perhaps "corrupted bureacrats/politicians", a synonym for "swines". But here I am, talking coherrently still.

Rhonda Byrnes read the original text and wrote her interpretation of "The Secret". It reveals to us, what is known by the greatest men from our past. A number of exceptional men and women discovered The Secret, and went on to become known as the greatest people who ever lived. Amongst them: Plato, Leonardo, Galileo, Napoleon, Hugo, Beethoven, Lincoln, Edison, Einstein and Carnegie, to name but a few.

Ummm..for those of you who thinks Adolf Hitler should be included in the 'greatest people who ever lived", bad news for you. Royal College of Physician Psychiatry team researched and concluded that Hitler suffered from neurosyphilis induce Parkinsonism. (A word of caution for the philanderers : no hi hitler there ) Perhaps, the psychiatrists should examine Bush and some of our local politicians as well. I'm sure they are suffering from some kind of psychiatric disorder. I wonder what is the medical term one should come up with for the people who elected them. Enough said.

Being a Muslim, I believe in the existence of God and His Government, which was not mentioned throughout the whole book. Instead, stress was given to how the Universe works. The Universe, abides to "the law of attraction" as proven by quantum physics,(of which I am determined to unveil as soon as I recover from the vertigo I obtained from reading this book ) states that "like attracts like" meaning, good thoughts attracts good things to your way. That human beings comprises quantum energy of sort and what we transmit to the universe, will ensure we get a parallel reaction.

For those of you who have forgotten the difference between "theory", "hypothesis" and "law",let me bore you with the definitions.

A hypothesis (= assumption in ancient Greek) is a proposed explanation for a phenomenona tentative theory about the natural world; a concept that is not yet verified but that if true would explain certain facts or phenomena; "a scientific hypothesis that survives experimental testing becomes a scientific theory";

Theory is "a supposition or system of ideas explaining something, especially one based on general principles independent on the particular things to be explained". It can be right, or it can be wrong.

For instance, my theory about most politicians are "all politicians are bastards unless proven otherwise". I may be right, I may also be wrong. Everyone will know my theory is wrong, or rather, something went wrong with me because of my theory, when my face appear front page of News Straits Times, for the first Woman Doctor to be detained under the ISA.

A physical law or a law of nature is a scientific generalization based on empirical observations. Laws of nature are conclusions drawn from, or hypotheses confirmed by scientific experiments. The production of a summary description of nature in the form of such laws is the fundamental aim of science. A logical, mathematical statement describing a consistency that applies to all members of a broad class of phenomena when specific conditions are met. Examples of scientific laws: Faraday’s Law of electromagnetic induction, Coulomb’s Law of electrostatic attraction, Dalton’s Law of partial pressures, Boyle’s Gas Law.
Laws describe rather than explain.

Okay, enough about the scientific jargons. What is The Secret ? Basically, it's this. The Universe will answer to your all your wishes, if you know how to ask for what you want in life. ( no afterlife wishes mentioned though...hmm...). Like attracts like. It is LAW OF THE UNIVERSE. Not a theory, nor a hypothesis. It has been proven to be true. If you think good thoughts, good things come to you. Likewise, when you think bad thoughts. The law works by inclusion not exclusion. You don't ask for what you don't want, rather, what you want. ( wonder these bloody corrupted arshlores are still roaming around the surface of the earth, and not wiped out by comet like the dinosaurs...must work on that prayers again).

My interpretation? Cut me into pieces and my remnants will still scream that God exists. The book do not mention anything about God. Maybe keeping it non biased,sells better. Just keep it general. The way I look at it, if God had created Coulomb's Law, Dalton's Law, and my law regarding politicians, then why not the Law of Attraction? God had created this law to accomodate to human's prayers. Asking is another word for praying. If I were God, I'd be yawning on the job of entertaining mostly ungrateful mere mortals like us. Why not work smart and create a Law whereby the universe responds to our every need via response to energy we released? Intervene only when necessary. God had given us the liberty called "choice". Perhaps that is what they meant when they say that it is better to pray in masses rather than alone. Perhaps in masses, we release vast energy levels. Think about it. Beyond Brilliance actually.

Gratitude is of importance. Without gratitude, getting what you ask for comes less easier. From my perspective, I see faith in a more meaningful angle. I not only decipher it, I can also feel it becoming stronger. Mind over matter as we call it. Imagine the degree of faith a person has while walking on hot fire during Thaipusam for instance. In some Silat Batin, the same applies. I was told that my forefathers could even walk on water. I panic when my foot fails to touch the bottom of the swimming pool, although I'd put a Katak to shame swimming it's style.So, obviously, this faith thing is not genetically passed down the generation. ( why cant our forefathers passed down these acquired talents genes, instead, all i got was the "hairy genes". Oh! Forgot my least it not the "no hair genes"...)

Do read the book without prejudice. It will boggle the mind.Perhaps it is time for our comfortable sleepy minds be boggled. It left me still trying to figure a lot of issues from within. I have faith that I will find the answers. If my next excuse of a writing seem incoherrent, you will know that "The Secret" had boggled as well as buggered my mind to the point of no return......