Words of Wisdom ...or so it seems...


Wednesday, 26 September 2007

My Fraser's Hill Escapade

Did I get your attention yet? No, this is not the portrait of any one of my bosses that I don’t like, although, I can’t help but understand how you people came up with the metaphor behind it. This is a photo taken of a horse in Fraser’s Hill. This is one of the horses tourists ride on, charged RM4 for one lap.

My daughter was already riding this poor creature by the time I realized, as I photographed her, that the horse was in a sad state, it was too late to tell her to get off it. I really do not care if this is the ass of one of the famous Hollywood megastars, suffering from bulimia or anorexia. They are earning millions, unlike this poor horse, deprived of the proper food they deserve.
I told my daughter to get off the horse immediately. She was initially upset but agreed that we should not support such “recreational” act if it means torturing this creature of God. I guess the next step is to complain of such occurrences.

You know how it is in Malaysia. Things can only get done if you complain. The more you complain, the more get done. The much frequently you complain regarding one complaint, the faster things actually get done. Furthermore, the more important you are in the eyes of society, more things get done at a lightning pace.

I think the cat must have eaten all the horses’ food. I mean, look at it.

He’s friendly too. Obviously, it’s a male cat. Only the male cats know where to put their paws on, when they're in the playing mode, it's a male thing. Can’t help but notice the two balls dangling and banging away. It kind of reminded me of what most government servants do at work.

Even my dad couldn’t resist playing with him. He was probably checking the gender of the cat too. It’s a hereditary habit I guess, some kind of a inborn metabolic error passed down for generations. Lately, looking at many human, the task is getting tougher as there are many gender confused beings. This cat is definitely male, both testes successfully descended.

Fraser’s Hill would be a brilliant short escapade from the hustle and bustle of KL life. (take note the word 'short escapade'. Stay too long, you may end up talking to yourself or if you go with family, you may suffer over-bonding and end up in big squables!!! Stay until just before everyone get bored then grumpy.....) It’s quieter than the more visited Cameron Highlands, and less time taken to get there. We had fun walking though. Walk walk walk. The weather was brilliant. I tried absorbing as much scenery as I could.

The first thing my daughter asked me when we reached Fraser’s Hill, was “ What is that weird smell Ummi? Did you fart again?” . I answered, “That’s the smell of fresh air sayang”. And for the next 3days, we replaced the thick polluted carbon air trapped in our lungs from passive smoking cigarretes and vehicle exhaust, with the fresh air that smelt like my fart, according to my daughter’s nasal interpretation.

We did a lot of walking.
The view was breathtaking. It helped that the air is clean when we fell into that heavy breathing mode.
So you think only overseas have these views? Think again. This is the view taken from one of the old government bungalows, available for rent.
Of course, getting communication can be quite challenging. When people tell me to get lost, I’d go to places where I’m un-contactable, especially by phone, which is total bliss. That's my idea of getting lost in style. But when I want to get transmission, I can be quite tenacious. That’s one virtue I have that most of the time may irritate others.

Although the picture of me trying to get phone transmission may look like a low budget documentary, with the same people in them ( that's my sister jogging at the background), there are scanty people around to take photos of in the first place. I think the population of bugs outnumber human population here.

I fell in love the instance I set my eyes on the “Ol ye Smoke House”. Set in Tudor era, the interior décor was at harmony with the British colony ambience. Here are some photos.

The log was not actually burning. It was fake, but convincing at first glance.

Authentic cononial interior decor that turned my brown eyes blue.
Very cozy. This is the kind of house that if a couple do no practice safe sex, they may produce many accidental offsprings.

I wonder if we can shoot the movie,"Sherlock's Holmes was a Malaysian" in this room...

I took a swirl of this world map and realise, I have so many more places to go to so that one day I can turn around to my grandchildren and say, "I've seen the world". Oh, and since the world comprises of 3/4 sea, I guess I'd have to do a lot of deep sea diving in the future. Hmmm....

Oh, I'm a woman, it's natural that I pay attention to details..

Suddenly,I saw a vision of me growing old with my future spouse. This is how I want to spend my dying days. Smooch and snuggle with my spouse on the swing, just watch the sun set and rise. At that age, we'd probably do not need to get off the swing to go to the loo as we'd probably have a urine bag attached for his prostate and my urinary incontinence condition. Nor do we need to brush our teeths as we'd just have to soak our false teeths in a glass full of normal saline. So that will give us ample time to hang out on the swing all day long.

I haven't found him yet though. At the rate I am going, I suspect I may have resolve into going around kissing frogs hoping one of them will turn into a Prince Charming. Maybe that is what they mean by "men are animals". You may get lucky and kiss the right frog, at the right time. Oh yes, timing is of essence. You don't want to kiss a frog when he is still in the "commitment phobic" or a midlife crisis state.

Breakfast at Tiffany’s? A bit crowded for that, I think. This photo is taken after breakfast at the garden patio of Ol' Ye Smokehouse.

I found this next shot to be quite funny. Maybe to you it is not, but I was high on fresh air at the time, and fresh air can have a laughing gas effect as well. It's either that or you have lost your sense of humour.

I think, sometime in the future, there will be a case whereby the occupants of Rumah Methodist will find their mails end up at this Chinese Prayer Alter. You and I know the capabilities of a few of our postmen…

You think the Methodist House is having a tough time sorting out their mail.?? Check out the next photo.....

Hmm..maybe I'd change my address to Rumah Methodist Fraser's Hill, at the income tax department...

Tuesday, 18 September 2007

Resting in Ramadhan

It's been four days since I started fasting in Ramadhan, and frankly, I am beginning to think that it had altered my mood. Or perhaps it is my patients. I just don't get it. Patients come in sick, having fever, expecting me to examine them, then when I want to do my job, they ask me dumb questions, which I see it as a test from God.

Question #1 :
I get this sometimes when I need to put a thermometer into a patient's mouth to check the temperature.
Patient : " Is it okay to put that in the mouth?"
My thoughts: "Why? Would you rather me take your anal temperature instead?"
As usual, I'd say: "Why?"
Patient : "I understand when you're fasting, you cannot put anything into any orifices"
My thoughts: "Tell me you gain satiety just snacking on thermometers or plunge into an abyss of multiple orgasms the moment I stick this gadget into your mouth and I'll try to understand your fetish and why you don't want this in your mouth."
But I said: "Well, I don't see why not,it's not like I'm putting food into your mouth. But if you feel uncomfortable then, I won't use this"

Question #2: Prescribing medication for the infected ears, whereby I have to prescribe ear drops and it works better when put frequently, is not a favourite treatment.

Patient: "Is it okay for me to put this into my ears, I'm fasting"
My thoughts: "Here we go again. What is it about us Muslims and holes?!!!"
I said: "I get this a lot you know. But I keep telling everyone, if you're sick, you're sick. You need to get this medication as prescribed otherwise,your condition will deteriorate and soon, I doubt you will be able to hear the Azan for buka puasa. Besides, if you're sick, you really shouldn't fast. But if you ask me, I won't want to skip fasting just to have some ear solution dropped into my ears.Won't do any good for my cholestrol levels. I think that is the main reason for fasting"(..."besides teaching me patience" I continued in my head)

Question #3:
Patient: "May I have the day off today doctor?"
I asked: "Why don't you break fast and take the medication. You'll feel much better after that"
Patient: "I don't want to break my fast, it'll be a waste. I just need rest, then I'll be okay"
My thoughts: "You don't want to break fast to feel better yet you just want to waste company's money by lying around in the house waiting for buka puasa time. Those days, people go to war to defend their religion during the fasting month you know. Besides, God says that if you are not well, don't fast and try to get better. You've got your priority mixed up"
I'd say: " You're not that sick. All you need is to take the medication and you'll be up and about again. Don't you want to feel better? Besides, if you continue fasting when you're sick, which is by the way, against God's ruling, you'd get more sick by tomorow. What do you want to do then? Fast, take another day off and get more sick?"

Question #4:

A patient came in just 25minutes after lunch time, claiming she was suffering from a severe chest pain. It was my lunch time but since it is fasting month, I was busy doing things I usually don't do at the time. It's amazing how much free time one has when she's not eating. Anyway, I told my nurse to do an ECG (a machine to record heart attacks). Odd enough, the lady refused despite us being adamant about the need of taking her ECG.

Patient : Do I have to take off my bra for this ECG? I am fasting.I don't my "puasa to batal"
My thoughts: You mean you're worried that the moment I see your breasts, I'd think of milk and meat and get hungry, therefore MY puasa will batal? Do you actually think the doctors get turned on looking at private parts? We see them as soon as we entered medical school and frankly, even if I am a lesbian, I'd need therapy just to get turned on looking at naked bodies. Or are you telling me you get turned on having a woman look at your breasts? Or are those actually real breasts? Hmm..What a mind boggling question you've just asked me. Never knew a simple bra could boggle a mind. Imagine what I am capable of thinking if I am not fasting and have all that sugar for energy to think at my fullest capacity.
I told my nurse instead, to tell the lady with the breast full of secrets: If she refuses ECG, there's nothing much I can do about it. I only entertain emergency cases at this time, otherwise, come back at 2pm.
The patient asked: If I come back at 2pm, do I still have to take ECG and take off my bra?
My thoughts: If you're having a heart attack, we will not see you at 2pm. But if you manage to survive you chest pain, I'll ask everyone to do the ECG blindfolded, you included. You might batal your puasa looking at your own breasts.
I told my nurse to tell her: Ask her what she wants me to say.
My nurse who knows me too well told the patient: The doctor said yes.
Patient: I think I'll wait after buka puasa then I'll do the ECG.
My thoughts: Let me guess,you just guard your private parts only when you fast. Other times, it is okay to flash. Hmmm...Whatever. I hope you live till then and have a good day. I wonder what I am going to cook for my buka puasa today..should I try the Italian recipe book I just bought or....oh, anything but milk and chicken breasts will do...
I told my nurse to tell the patient: I hope her chest pain is not a heart attack but merely an eruption of a new third breast.
The same nurse told the patient: The doctor says if the pain becomes severe, please come back before then. We'll be here for you.

Question #5 :
Patient is having haemarrhoids (piles) and bleeding.

Patient: "Are you sure that you are going to put that thing inside my anus?
My thoughts: "No, but I'd do it anyway because I am bored and looking at assholes perks me up"
But I said: "You say you're bleeding and the only way for me to be sure what is the cause of bleeding, is to put this proctoscope into your anus to see, why is it shedding blood"
Patient: "Would it ruin my fast?"
My thoughts: "Give me a second and I'll speak to God and negotiate. AAAUUUUUMMMMMMM. Yes, God had asked me to pass on this message to you. God told me to tell you that you're having menses, except from the adjacent hole. Break your fast and your anal virginity by letting the doctor shove the proctoscope up yours.P/S He won't penalize you for breaking fast today and this is not considered as sodomy. Yours Sincerely, God."
But I said: "I won't examine if you are not comfortable with it, but I insist that you need to, otherwise, I may be giving you the wrong treatment"

I have to admit though, I am getting less patients during fasting month. Funny how,it's just not shoving medical gadgets into orifices that shies the patients away, it's also the injections and the blood taking too.Are we not to donate blood during fasting month even though there is dire and urgent need to do so? People are so much occupied with the trivial matters that they have failed to see the purpose of fasting as a whole (not hole). Hmm Perhaps this not wanting to shove things into any orifice fatwa may be beneficial to my health after all. Finally, I get to rest a bit.

Thursday, 13 September 2007

The X-Files, Malaysian Style

I love to watch the X-files. It used to be one of the hit series. Agent Mulder and whats-her-name, (well, I only remember the good looking heroes, it is healthy. You should start worrying if I fancy the heroines), never fail to entertain us with mind boggling scenes. One thing I like about Hollywood movies, even when they're illogical, they are the most logically convincing illogicallity. I mean, if you want to lie, go all the way right?

Take the big lie of man landing on the moon for instance. Oh, for those of you who had not seen the documentary on this, in Discovery Channel sometime ago (not done by the muslims by the way) , the scientists scrutinized the film of men landing on moon, and suggested that the film was most likely shot on some man made site. You'd probably find the weapon of mass destruction at the same location, I reckon.

In the spirit of Malaysia Boleh! , I can't help but wonder how it would be like having a TV series of the same theme, of our own. Picture this. The hero would be Hans Isaac, because, he's probably one of the good looking male actor who do not look stupid, and can actually act. The heroine, well, I don't really care who, because I won't be looking at her that much anyway, would be, let me see, Ida Nerina. Yes, she looks smart, I suspect she is smart in real life too. You can just tell. ( It takes a smarty pants to recognize another). Why the importance of good looking leading roles? In case you hadn't noticed, in Malaysia, the Pan Asians and the good looking people gets almost all the leading role. If you're good looking and have nothing better to do, get into the Malaysian showbiz. It would be a bonus if you could actually act or sing. Talk about reality bites, this one bites you on the butt.

In this particular episode, Agent Hans and Agent Ida were called in for a case whereby a supermodel of Bangladesh origin was blasted to pieces. Apparently, the supermodel , male by the way, was traced back to a Minister's butler. Would mentioning that the butler is male be redundant? Is there a female butler? Well, anyway, if there is such thing as a female butler,this one's a male. The butler, with the help of two special unit policemen who seem to be his drinking buddies, were responsible in the killing then the bombing to pieces, of the unfortunate Bagladeshi model. Err, by drinking buddies,( as I am a muslim, and I must keep my article and imagination as halal as possible) I meant that they drink the remaining tapai syrup together almost every other day, at one of the police's mother's home, as she sells the tapai, and it seem wasteful to just throw away the tapai juice. Islam prohibits wastage and tapai juice, although consist ethanol,the only one of the twelve type of alcohol from alcohol family that possess intoxicating properties, is declared halal by our Imams.

The plot thickens. Agent Hans banged his head on his locker, after getting out of the hot shower, a method he normally use when he needed to think straight, much to the spectator's delight of course. The unwiped half water half vapour dribbled from his soaking hair, down to his muscular chest, his 6 packs and .......WOAH.....sorry, I got side tracked just thinking of Agent Hans getting out of the shower in a skimpy towel...Back to the actual story, Agent Hans wondered hard, why he did not thought of becoming a Minister's butler, as such positions may reward him the power to blast anyone to pieces. He couldn't help wondering what the butler's boss can do with HIS power. At this point, the spectator couldn't be bothered with the plot, as they were busy admiring Agent Hans showing off what his papa gave him.

Oh wait, I forgot about Agent Ida. She's still in the scene. Being a female however, naturally she is quicker to think, as unlike men, women only have one head and that cuts down the chances of less blood supply to support the thinking process. Poor men. Not many can think straight especially when females are involved, due to lack of oxygen from blood supply. The two heads have to share the total body blood. Blood supply split into two, some go to the head on the neck and the one between the thighs Unfortunately, everything has to obey the gravitational law, therefore, as the latter is lower, more blood flows to it. That explains why most wars are instigated by the more silently intelligent women. Perhaps men may do better on the moon.

Agent Ida, oozing with intelligence, managed to figure out the connection between the butler, the Bangladeshi model, and the minister. This led to the revelation of the biggest scandal of the millenium. As Malaysians like to talk a lot, and aloud, especially in cinemas, while the movie is playing,( its bad enough having the scene half covered with subtitles in three languages, some monkey had to read them aloud, or explain to their friend who doesn't comprehend the language of the movie, nor the subtitle ) this time, our culture proved itself worthy. Information from the public lead the two agent to believe that the two policemen, the butler, the minister and the Bangladeshi model belong to the same secret society called , " The Bangla Dash" where free homosexuality is their core practice. They also found out, not to their surprise though, that Ayah Pin was kicked out of the circle of trust, as he tried to bring in female members into the secret society.

To cut the story short, all of them, were caught in some bombastic scene involving explotion of what look like a miniature car blasted with fireworks. ( Hey, this is a low budget movie okay. Can't take the risk of plunging in too much money in movies other than the love story or the ghost story, or the ghosts' love story, here in malaysia. Remember Sumolah? Not many malaysians like thinking movies, although they will go and watch Hans Isaac in his skimpy towel scene and the beautiful Ida Nerina) And of course the minister was spared. (are you mad?!! In Malaysia,Ministers are like Bollywood stars in India!!! Practically the untouchable. I can't comment on Sanjay Dutt however. Even in the movie, they cannot be caught!! It's impossible!! Both in fiction and non fictional stories). And of course we all know Ayah Pin dissapeared, why do you think I added him in this Malaysian X-file movie.
They were tried in the court of justice. What do you mean by, "justice?", this is a movie. Unrealistic things happen in a movie.

You know lah our ju-DICK-tiory system, very slow lah. However. on the contrary to public assumptions, although almost all law books are in english, the lawyers did not encounter much problems translating what they learn in University, which were all in English, to the compulsory usage of Bahasa Malaysia in our local court, as 3/4 of the terminology evolved from English words, and all they had to do was add the phrase "-i" at the back of each terminology, or should I spell it as "terminologi"?

We all know the verdict at the end of the long court drama, so long and winding, some even got bored and started playing sudoku while waiting for trial. I'm trying to keep the series as realistic as possible. And of course, to be able to do that, the plot will end up with everyone acquited. That is the only way that the Minister will remain untouchable, both fictional and non fictionally. Or perhaps, I create a plot whereby they will be charged, each with minimal sentence, let them off from jail earlier on grounds of good behaviour, they will come out and lots of unexplained money in their bank accounts will be discovered.

So why do I call this television series the X-files, when there is no aliens nor UFOs involved? Don't you get it? The truth remained elusive and uncovered, just like the UFOs and aliens. This is where the thrill lies. To remain elusive and uncovered. These files ends up with the rest of the Malaysian X-files, for example "The APs and no downs of Rafidah", "How to get through Australian Immigration, by Muhammad Taib, (our non English speaking Menteri Besar)", "Renong-lah Daim" to name a few. Future incoming files would probably be, " Hishamudin and the RM3 karipap", "Altantuya, the suicide bomber" etc etc...Yessssss. I see future in Malaysian X-files series. Move aside Afdlin Shauki, Yasmin Ahmad, especially Yusof Haslam, because a new low budget movie director is born.

Monday, 3 September 2007

It's a bird!! It's an aeroplane!!! It's.....the moon???!!!!

Hari Raya is coming. "YAAY!!!" would be my respond, say, 35years ago. Now, I'd sound like that character in Winnie the Pooh, Eiyor the donkey, I believe, and say, "ooooh deaaaaar...Hari Raya is coming. Oh deaaaaaar." Why shouldn't I sound suicidal? Back then I looked forward to getting hari raya money, now, I have to spend money to make Hari Raya happen. It gives the true meaning to "what goes around comes around" , except it works on reverse mode whereby I get the money first, when I was pre puberty, now, I have to spend later in life.

A few thoughts crossed my mind, as it does every year.

First, will I survive this year's Puasa month to actually live to see Hari Raya?
( I am 5'5", weighs 50kgs, before pooping. I have all the necessary organs my mama gave me to swoosh my toosh on the catwalk but may look like my TB patient after 1 week of diarrhea. For those of you who actually know how I look like, you definitely know what I mean. Oh, and sorry if I have broken some hearts, if I may take this opportunity to apologise..OH BEHAAAAAVE BAYBEEE....)

Secondly, will it finally happen this year? Will we finally be able to see the ellusive "anak bulan syawal"? I would like to hear, at least once, before I leave this world for good the announcement that goes, " Setelah dipersetujui, penyimpan mohor besar Raja Raja telah melihat anak bulan syawal pada sekian sekian tarikh. Oleh itu, adalah diishtiharkan, bahawasanya, hari raya puasa tahun ini, jatuh pada hari esok, yakni sekian sekian haribulan...."

Frankly, I have my doubts. No one will actually get to see the anak bulan syawal. Why? For three reasons actually;

1. The method used to determine Eidul Fitri is practiced by the Arab nation, whereby, they have not much rain in a year. This is due to the lack of clouds and therefore, if they are really the type to sit out and look at the sky, instead of their four wives' whatever, they could see the aliens, climbing into their spaceship, just before boarding from their galaxy.

In Malaysia, on the contrary, even though our highways are built as if it rained once in a year, we get rain almost every other day. That means we have clouds every other day. So, at the end of the day, the ahli falaq would have more fun imagining what forms can the clouds take, rather than trying to catch a glimpse of the moon.

2. The gadgets and apparatus used to perform this ritual of locating the anak bulan syawal are those made before masehi or before christ, or whichever that came earlier. When I was a kid, I often imagine that the Penyimpan Mohor Besar Raja Raja do nothing except "simpan" the Mohor Besar, probably take it out once a week and give it a good buff or two. Perhaps they are so busy with the task, that they haven't had sufficient time to upgrade the apparatus. Saving tax payer's money? Well, I guess if the government is so concerned about that, then perhaps they should just abolish the whole trip to go look for the anak bulan syawal in the first place and settle for Lunar Calculations.

3. The people at the gazing end of the apparatus, are probably as ancient as the apparatus itself.

So there you go. Three reason why we will not be able to view the anak bulan syawal this year, again, and probably never will. So folks, make sure you don't cook your ketupat one day earlier, because you hear rumours that it's going to be different this year.

Selamat Berpuasa everyone. There goes my extra 2kilos I worked hard to gain the whole year through.....