Words of Wisdom ...or so it seems...


Wednesday, 3 October 2007

My Way or The Highway.....

Here's how I drive. My driving policies are simple:

1. No signal no way.
You can drive the most posh car for all I care, but if your brain matter does not keep up with the glamorous car status, boleh blah, I won't give way. I'd rather give way to an old beaten car, but only if it complies to policy #3.

2. If you want to shift lane, you have to develope an impeccable timing of when to give the signal.
Giving the signal too early will give ample time for the car on the lane you are about to go into, to speed up to ensure you are not able to shift lane. It's a kind of National Sadism, Malaysian favorite past time, to inflict as much heartburn as possible to as many drivers as you can. Giving signal too late will earn you a middle finger thrown at your face and sometimes a jolly good honk.

3. If you want to give way to another car, make sure they are not rude, and not too polite either. The too polite drivers can sometimes be incompetent drivers too. Especially those bearing the sticker at the back of the car that reads,"Love all, be patient" or " To receive, one has to give".

They are not too polite actually, as you perceive, rather, too lembab and have no Malaysian driving skills. Oh yes, in KL, you don't need speed, you need driving skill and the ultimate knowlege of the cilok cilok alternative roads. ( The ones that sometimes cut through lanes with rumah urut berlesen and tanpa lesen around etc ). Next thing you need would be having the car you gave way to, drive slow in front of you and is a nervous "braker". He jams the brakes for no apparent reason, you'll begin to think he was giving way to the living dead that no other people except him can see.

4. Yellow light means, "Step on it, damn it!!"

5. Red light means,"Stop unless there is no car. Don't waste your time waiting for invisible man in his invisible car to pass by. Don't waste your brake pad oil". It's not like the oil price will ever come down. The only thing that could stay down in this present moment in our beloved country would be a man's you-know-what, when he can no longer afford the newly priced viagra.

This is not applicable however, when there are other cars around just so no one gets the same idea and we meet in the middle with a bang bigger than when the universe was created. Oh that and when there is no camera. You are a criminal only when you get caught. So when Bart Simpsons say it in one breath,"I didn't do it, nobody saw me do it, can't prove anything", he is brilliant.....
This however, is not applicable to some cronies in Malaysia. I mean, if a political analyst have got the power to order policemen to blast a soul, and make immigration records dissappear, imagine what the people he analyze can actually do.

6. Green means, "Go, but with caution, as you'll never know which numb head may be color blind and has a 'kopi O licence', then drive in front of you regardless."

7. Give way. Treat the jerks on the road as if they are little kids with little brains or a handicap, which is half truth because most likely they are mentally challenged anyway.

My theory about malaysian drivers? Everyone is insane unless proven otherwise.

No comments: