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Sunday, 2 August 2009

Give me a break...

I just know when I badly need a break from work. It's when I start to feel irritated with people falling sick. "Oh!!" , I'd grumble in my head, "stop whining like my horny pussy!!" (I meant my horny cat who is currently having more sex than that horny devil who's wife filed for divorce because she could not take the satanic hubby horniness not to mention the immaculate threesome... .....really..go ahead, click on the know you want to know...otherwise, crap papers like Metro would not make the sales) and I'd add,"It's just a little sniffle. Go get laid. The heat generated from the burning calories would kill the bacteria instantly; well they are made up of protein", although, well okay, it's just probably me who would think this while smiling to my patients and simultaneously wondering if botox could actually be more beneficial injected unto her face rather than the anal fissure. The latter may make her frown in pain less when she go do the big job ergo not make her look old (kind of like a two in one treatment). Then again, at that age, who knows whether you are frowning or smiling, with all that fine lines crossing each other like a drunk trying to walk straight.

Or if it is a guy, I'd be wondering was he talking to me?, as especially Malay guys (so okay, I'm a racist, I can't stand even my own race, sue me) have this habit of talking to a woman whilst looking at, the wall perhaps, making the woman wonder whether he was looking elsewhere whilst talking to her, or actually looking at her while talking, but looked like he was looking elsewhere because of his having some kind of crossed eyed problem. Hello....I'm over here mister!! Or in case you are pious, there is no scientific evidence that shows you can impregnate women simply by looking at her and acknowledging that she too is a human being.

Yes. That was when I know for sure, I need a break from work. Honestly, I don't know how Mother Teresa did it. Oh wait. That's why I'm not....her I meant..

For instance, I'd get irritated with patients who'd say, "but I've never had this before", after I spent about 10 minutes explaining what he was suppose to have whatever it is that he had never had before. Felt like telling him, "Funny, that's exactly what Virgin Mary said when she was carrying Jesus. In fact it's even more queer for her that she had never had sex before either. Gee...what are you? A subject from The Matrix? You have to have it already in order to have something you've never had before? Hmmm...dejavu"

Or I'd get pissed off when someone were to tell me "I can't take the thermometer in my mouth, I feel nauseous." I'd probably pause for 3 seconds but it's three seconds worth in other planet's time (the kind with bigger circumference and it takes longer earth's time to rotate the same distance), and I'd have a moment in thought to myself where I'd say, "You can't take this small and short thing in your mouth? Why, your throat is just 1 inch behind your tongue that you get instance gag reflex issssit? I remember why you had that marital problem you came to see me about last month. I wonder if it's to do with your inability to stick things into your mouth...hmm...haven't she heard the saying that "the secret to a great marriage is , well, good conversation, that and a good blow job?" In fact it is so top secret, that no one knows who started the saying. These jokers, why did they decide to get married in the first place? Don't they know that love can die if the sex is bad? That's why they call it 'making love'..duuuuuh..Totally clueless!!" . So okay, my 3 seconds was up. Imagine what can run through my mind if I were given more time to ponder in front my patient (but of course, I was to be in a foul mood when I thought of all this)

That's the thing with thermometers. Doctors can tell quite a bit about a patient by the way they handle the thermometer. . I'd be silently amused when a man can't seem to keep the thermometer in his mouth. Makes you wonder how weak his tongue is. . Of course one should worry if a man crushes a thermometer in his mouth. Then, there's the case of some women refusing to open their mouths big enough for anything, not even to say "aaaahhhhh" for the doctors to check the throat. It's not like they can't, it's just that they won't. So they are shy. Tough luck kiddo, you can expect them to come crying to you in the future over , of course, marital problems. I know it sounds lame, but I just have the art of telling people what they don't like to hear, but somehow rather is the simple god honest truth. Don't like it, deal with it honey.

Men who are good with handling the thermometers however, are divided into two; those who have uneventful medical record and those who come with cold sores and other unmentionable transmittable diseases. But both types normally look contented in life, with or without the communicable disease. But of course there were instances when they come in with bruises caused by their legal wives. You can tell it came from the legal wives because the "other woman" leaves small bruise like marks on bodies, especially the chests , in patterns the CSI can trace it back to that made by little sucking act of the lips and tongue....I believe the lay man call these marks "love bites"..another misconception (just like the "blow job" whereby blowing won't get the job done) because it's a suck mark, not a bite mark...and it can come about, with or without love.

Then there are other little things that get me irritated too, apart from getting irritated with myself for getting easily irritated. I'd feel like slapping anyone who'd come exactly at closing time. Oh wait! I'd feel like slapping these late comers all the time, so that doesn't count.It's so Malaysian to wait until the last minute and put on a lost puppy dog face so that we'd make an exception and take take the last minute cases. Looks like an ugly bull dog to my eyes. Of course we will take in the case, doesn't mean the doctor have to be happy about it. Now that's quite dangerous really, an unhappy doctor. Hey, I'm a dedicated doctor. But I'm dedicated during the time I'm paid to be dedicated.

Then I'd get irritated when someone does not inhale deeply as instructed. "I thought I told you to inhale deeply, which part of the word "inhale deeply" that you don't comprehend? You can't be THAT lazy, you still need oxygen from breathing you know?!!!". Sometimes, when this happens to my people, I just wish that I could just tell them, "Don't tell me you need life support like NEP to subsidize breathing too".

If I suffer this symptom, which some old folks in my family whom I call die hard aunties (the part where they just don't die) would term it as, well, it sounds really awful in BM, but basically it's "you've not been getting any" syndrome, of persistently in a PMS mode despite being in mid cycle, then I certainly know that I need to get away. Unfortunately, my job is recession proof and with the H1N1 being rampant, that plus the great loss we suffered from the passing of our beloved Yasmin Ahmad, my life has been busy with people insisting that they have either H1N1 or pre stroke or even aneurysm. (As for hypochondriacs, all of the above, which makes me tempted to refer them to the psychiatrists). What can I say. All I've got to do now is try not to speak my mind, I mean literally, say what is going on my mind, as I have this bad habit of talking aloud what goes on my mind without realizing I was even talking, that I find hard to break...


Planet of the Monyets said...

Reading your rantings, it's pretty obvious that you need a break.

Any of your patients suffering from perforitis ? For the definition of perforitis, please read

hazriq said...

Visit to my gp will never be the same again. I'd better go practice on that thermometer.

PahNur said...

And I thought it was the act of holding one's fart and that the fart traveled all the way up to the brain that gives one the shitty ideas. Well, perforitis sounds more potent and gives out pure shitty idea i guess. Ha! Ha! Big foot indeed. Should tell them to put the big foot where the mouth is....

hazriq, please make sure it's not a rectal thermometer :-D