" Khia bollo aaap?"

Picture this. A prominent shopping mall. 20 guards working at a time. 5 of them Nepalis,5 Indonesians,5 are Indians from India. The other 5 are Pakistanis.
A robbery is taking place. Alarm went off. Robbers fled off with a bag full of loots. Guards scattered everywhere., running, perspiring. Walkie talkie buzzing. Then dzzzzzzzzzzzzzaaaaap. Reality bites. Now, can someone tell me in what bloody language are could these metropolitan guards communicate amongst each other to help catch the robbers ( who are probably Malaysians who could not get jobs and turned to crime, due to these influx of "foreigners" working as labour), since non of these "foreigners" could comprehend acceptable amount any language spoken by Malaysians? Hmm...perhaps Afdlin Shauki and Harith Iskandar should consider this scene for "AHA the movie".

I cannot decide which is more irritating. The people who hire the "foreigner" guards or the "foreigner" guards themselves. I mean,is there a point hiring a security body that causes insecurity to the public?

For instance, I went to Giant Hypermart on Saturday. The big gate was still closed at 9am. There stood this two guards, just standing there looking at the car queue building up. They just stood there, allowing only the commercial cars to come in. 0905hrs and still no sign of gate opening. The cars now made 2 rows of queue, the car that came in last cut the original queue to form another. I mean, do you expect anything less from us malaysians? Its to do with the failure of our education system in not just teaching civics, but create awareness of why being civic minded is as important as breathing. Make me the Education Minister, and the first thing I'll do is make Civics a major exam subject. Paper would consist of 30% theory and the rest is field work. That is why I am not the Education Minister. That and my father only earned his "Datuk" title by gaining lots of grandchildren. Ergo, I can barely make it in politics. End of story.

Back to the men in blue, who just stood there, by then, feeling slightly uncomfortable from the angry stares they were getting. If only stares could bore holes, they'd look like a chunk of cheese...Time: 0907hrs and I decided to take matters into my own hands. I went out, walked over to the guards and ask them in bahasa malaysia, then proceeded to English when I got that expression Mr Bean uses when trying to figure out something he could not decipher, asking them whats going on. The only answer comprehensible to me was, "Gate open at 9.15 maam". I looked at my watch, 0910, looked at them in disdain,(it's a thing I learned in Pakistan, when handling what they term as "inferiors"), and was about to ask them back,"What is the difference in opening the gate now?" then , before they thought of answering back,"the difference is five minutes maam", I decided to rephrase my question to," what difference does 5 minutes do to you?". That was when I found out that "Gate open at 9.15 maam" was probably the only English vocabalary these men possess.

It doesn't help that my Hindi/Urdhu, which is another languages these Nepali guards speak, reciprocates their communication skills in English and Bahasa Malaysia. So, having wasted 5minutes in attempt to get the gate opened, the gate finally opened anyway. But I must admit, I walked off, pretending to look smug and as if I was the one who'd manage to get the guards to listen to my command and open the gate there and then. That's something I did not learn from Pakistan, instead, from us Malaysians. Even when you fall down on the pavement, get up, brush yourself, put on a dignified annoyed stare at the ground like it was the ground's fault you caved in to the law of gravity, then walk off with your nose high up in the air, like you just don't care. You can massage the pain later when you reach the corner just 200meters away from where you fell down.

Really. Seriously. Is there a point in hiring dumb guards who do not have simple common sense, not to mention cannot converse in any of our languages? Of course they were ordered to open up the gate at 0915hrs. But using simple common sense plus a wee bit of discretion, upon looking at the car pile up, would have lead these men to open the gates perhaps a little bit earlier than due. After all, customers are always right,excuusssse me. Giant Hypermart should have just put a time automated gate instead, then create another entrance for the traders. Its easier to handle the heartless iron gate, less expectations. On second thoughts, it is becoming clear to me why they chose men over the iron gate. It's Sadism actually.

I suspect someday, God forbid, some riot may occur in Chow Kit Road between the Indonesians and the locals, that perhaps begin with an Indonesian saying, "Itu gampang namanya kok" and a local china man named 'Wah Long Kok' (yeah rite...) , thinking the Indonesian and called him a bastard. But then again, this kind of riot may be instigated by Samy Veloo giving a speach in some kampung area when he say,

" Sayya amat berdukacite, kerane, pemuda pemuda di kampung ini suke mengisap dadee. Walaubagaimanapun, saya amat bersuka cite, kerane pemudi pemudi di sini, gemar menderme daree..." ( Aww..its an old fermented joke my lecturer started in our lecture hall years ago)

Come to think of it, the next time I get into the same scenario with these men in blue, I'd just walk up to them and say, use my charming smile ( Erin Brockevich had great boobs, so I had to settle with a charming smile instead ), and say perhaps, "Hi monyet. Nak makan pisang?", and I know they will smile back at me amicably and reply,"The gate open 9.15 maam" . Now isn't that disservice with a smile?