Only last week I was rudely woken up at 4.05am by noises that came from the roof top. Forced away from Bratt Pit who had vowed to leave Angelina Jolie for me, and was about to seal the deal with a kiss, my eyes, which had refused to open, tried desperately to go back to the impending kiss, was forced to unlid suddenly, when the fact that it may be Bratt Pitt knocking on my roof top,. (you know the song, 'knock three times on the ceiling if you love me'?). Then more urgent revelation hit my semi-estaticly-bratt-ridden-delirium brain, "thieves? !!", the loudness of my thoughts jerked me to wake-land.
Bratt Pit will have to wait, I told my annoyed conscience. Well, I can't have good dreams if I am dead can I? Propped up on my bed, ears like that of a dog picking up signals of a cat trying to steal its bone, I listened hard and could not believe how stupid the thieves were, for making all that unforgivable noise!! Totally unprofessional!! They need self help books like "how to rob for dummies".
And of course my next thought would be, why the bloody hell me? Why can't I be normal like others and sleep away through robbery?. It doesn't really pay to be a light sleeper. At least a sleep walker gets away with walking towards the maid's room to bunk her. (one of my uncle used this excuse when his wife followed him in one of his "sleep walk" occurences to the maid's room).
All these thoughts were actually going through my mind while I sat there like an idiot, trying to make out what that noise was all about. Rat? Too loud. Cats? Normally they make sounds of "Ngauuu" along with the other noises, to sustain whatever it is that make them "Ngau" in the first place, be it horniness or fear. These noises came from something that is far from horny. Fox? What the heck, I'm in town and the next forrest that the fox may possibly have been astrayed from would be 20kms away. That too it won't get that far, as it is impossible for anything to survive the KL traffic, even at 4 am in the morning...and oh, not to mention the Mat Rempits.
I was left me with one option. Sounds of people trying not to make any sound..Thieves, of course. Instantly, upon realization, I called the police and my next door neighbour, Ana. I was amazed that she picked up the phone, even more awed that the police did the same thing. To cut the story short, I could not wait for the police to come because I could not take the suspense I had inflicted upon myself. Looking back, my imagination was terrifying me even more so than that of the thieves, who did nothing more than make noises of what I imagined as someone trying to break into the roof top.
Sitting in the dark, waiting for the police to arrive, wondering was it really the police that I had just called, since it had been 20minutes, and I still haven't heard any other movements besides the noises on the roof top, I decided that maybe I had called the wrong number and it was the police impersonator that had picked up the phone. "The police is on the way", was the answer I got. Hmm...the police station to my house, if mathematics had not failed me is approximately 5kms away. Even if they were to drive the patrol car at 30km/hour, they'd have to reach my place in 10minutes time. I was, I realised, making dumb excuses for the police ( I had all the time in the world to think in the darkness, waiting for those bastards who's pay comes from part of the bloody tax money I have been paying!!! Wait, a thought cross my mind..did I forgot to pay my tax this year? Maybe that was the reason for the delay...that they have this device to detect delay in tax payment and reciprocate by responding the same amount of time to appear when you need them??!!).
My thoughts were so noisy, it had drowned the noises I heard on the roof top, so much so, I could not recall when exactly it dissapeared. But it did. There was silence again for a good 10 minutes until I heard the movements outside my gate. There were flashes of lights which I had recognized to be that of the bloody sluggish policemen. I glanced at my watch and saw it had been 20 minutes since my first distress call. 20 fucking minutes to reach a crime scene. They may as well apply for a job in the CSI department. No one will care that much if you're late then. The police came at the perfect timing, (for them that is,) when the thieves were all gone upon hearing the siren from a couple of lightyears away. Hmm..perhaps we do not need the police service after all. Cut cost, pay less tax. Just have everyone keep a police-like siren in the house and simulate a bust. Don't bother catching thieves, just allow them to recycle,like everything else that we don't.
To cut the long story short ( yeah, only now I had thought of it..), the police did find marks of attempt to break in from the back door, but found the effort in vain. Perhaps that was when they tried the roof top instead. Apparently, my non-Ana neighbour went back to their Kampung in Kelantan and the smartest thing they did was to bring back the jewelry worth thousands with them. What it is about Kelantanis and Indians, and gold? Obviously it is not safe to wear them anymore. They're like this robber magnet, frankly.
It dawn to me, that Ana and me hardly wear any jewelery. The fact that the thieves tried to break into my non-Ana neighbour's house goes to show, that there are people out there who observes, before they make their move. Ever notice , when on your way out to work, how some worker would be in their balanclava, conceiling their whole faces, just sweeping the leaves away? They even wear dark glasses, even before the sun is out enough to give the eyes the glare. I am not saying that they are the ones responsible, but think about it. Think like a criminal. I would do such a thing, disguise as one of these workers in order to observe. What is the point I am trying to get at? Well, why don't we practice a little caution when we want to wear our jewelry? What the eyes can't see, will not tempt the heart. Think about it...
But the ultimate piss off, for me would be my neighbours' response to emergencies. No one, except Ana and me came out that morning to sort things out with the police. There are men in that neighbourhood. It's not like I'm living in PUSSY LAND. Where were they?
The next few weeks, when I had the opportunity to bump into Ana and another neighbour, I was asked, "Are you sure it was the thieves you heard? We did not hear anything. "
"Well, they're too fat to be cats," I told them, wondering what the hell they are trying to get at.
"Then perhaps, could it be "the other things"? " one of the neighbour dare suggest........For a second, I thought I was being recorded in some stupid "you've been punked" malaysian version reality tv show, but no one came to declare that. I looked at them in disbelief and told them, " I am a light sleeper. I get up to noises made by cats, dogs, (neighbours bunking their wives, this I did not say out loud, but it was at the tip of my tongue). I know what kind of noises they make. It sounded like someone trying to break in. The police even said they found evidence of attempt to breaking in at the kitchen door".
But I could see it in their eyes, that their minds have been made up. Bigots!! It's no wonder I get to score in my exams, with idiots like this plunging the exam graph lower for us!!! What is it about Malays and blaming the "third kind" for everything they are lazy to reason out? Or perhaps, it finally dawned to me, that they were probably embarrassed with their husbands with the malfunctioning scrotums, not even getting up to neighbourly emergencies that they had to make me look like I have a hyperactive imagination. Trust me, I do have hyperactive imagination, only to imagine what I could do to them if I am above the law. Actually, I was thinking of frying their brains using the old machine to cure schizophrenia....Then again, why bother, the brains are already dead.
But, the whole ordeal left me to wonder, where did all the maaaaan men go? I remember during my schooldays, whereby the men took turns guarding our neighbourhood, long after the Rukun Tetangga had ceased practice. I remember one night when they actually caught one of those robbers red handed and bashed the living daylights out of him. My childhood pal, Rozainor, told me the day after, that he had dashed out of the house at 1.30am upon hearing the comotion and gave the poor robber a few kicks in the butt, when he saw everyone kicking him, even without asking what was going on.
Well, I guess, the kicks and hammering came from sleep deprived men who got annoyed that they have to keep guard in turns instead of sleeping soundly hugging their wives at night. Where did all the real men go? I certainly don't find them in my neighbourhood. It's no wonder I have difficulty in replacing my hubby in marriage. I know he would come out and sort things out, he use to when he was alive (he was even bitten by a thief one time). Indeed...where did all the real men go?
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