Words of Wisdom ...or so it seems...


Sunday, 26 September 2010

When the Annointed met the Elected : A backdoor story

A cool and lovely Sunday morning that looks like it's going to last all afternoon, saw me in the Mamak Stall, eating roti canai and sipping a glass of teh tarik. Breakfast in Mamak stall in the mornings could only mean two things; either I've achieved my early morning walk up and down the hill, and need to replenish all that burnt calories so that I will have a reason to continue exercising, OR I am on my Sunday once in a month duty, which in turn could only mean one thing; that I will be banging the balls that I don't have (not physically anyway), which therein means one thing; IT WAS BLOGGING TIME....

Back to the Mamak Stall scenario, I had to buy The Star today because my kid reads the papers..well, at least someone still does. Apparently she need to know current issues to aid her debate activities. I offered her my knowledge of the Malaysian politics but was quickly rejected. She told me, "Ummi, I need a non biased safe to use facts for my debate", of which I chuckled before answering, "Mainstream media, non biased, rrrrriiiggggggggghhhht...but yes, it's definitely useful for public debates. My facts not only will make you get kicked out of the debate team, but I may have to bail you out from Khidmat Negara later".

Just to digress a little, I also reminded her to keep up with her number one priority, which is her studies saying, "You need to know where your priority lies, darling. You must not neglect your studies while passionately engrossed in debate. The world does not need another smart mouth with a latent brain to catch up with it. We have too many of them in our Parliament already. You'd be out of job due to stiff competition since not many want to step down to allow new faces entering parliament". Funny, how that little reminder work with her.

Anyway, back on track, I almost choke on my tea when I saw this headlines, "Understand Islam better". No wait, it wasn't the headlines, rather what was printed just below it, "Malaysia can help US overcome Islamophobia, says Najib". You can also read it HERE.

Then I just sat there, and imagined how the conversation between Obama and Najib would have sounded like:

Najib : Yo dude, what's jivin' mah maaan.

Obama : Err....Datuk... Najib. Salam'alaikum. Let me be clear, my middle name may be Hussain, but I am not a Muslim, and unlike what the public thinks, actually, I am just black on the outside. Datuk Najib, first and foremost, can you please explain to me what does "Datuk" means... I am confused. My nieces and nephews who now live in Indonesia calls their grandfather the same thing, although your grey hair may help give some clue. Furthermore, I heard one can become a Datuk by purchasing it? Can you buy grandchildren to be called "Datuk" ? How many grandchildren do you have? Err..pssss....(pulling Najib aside), is that your better three quarter, pardon me, I mean better half? Wow, looking at her, I have to say that I'm grateful, that it's just Sasya and Malia for us, I mean look at Michelle, isn't she still a hot guchie mama?

Najib : Oh, the gray hair was caused by the headaches I have to face lately, which have nothing to do with medical condition. Life as a politician is no longer bliss like they use to be in Malaysia. Now we actually have to work. Can you teach me how to use that Blackberry later when my wife is not looking? (winking at Obama).

To answer your question, we, just like you were colonized by the British who officially left in 1957 but not really left our minds. America was liberated via methods of war, whilst we Malaysians are proud to avow that there was not a single drop of blood involved in the path to our Independance. We just killed each other AFTER we secured Independance, you know, on that black May day. We were smart enough to get everything on papers first, before we can do whatever we want. We tend to settle our problems later rather than sooner, it's just how we do things around here. Some call it laid back but I call it balancing life to have some quality of it. In fact, it is the Malaysian way to settle any problem only when it is unavoidably necessary.

Obama : Yes, I understand from my Intelligence, sources that you people were smart to recognize non bloody methods to gain your Independence. Something about the Malays having to grant the Indians and the Chinese citizenship to comply to British condition to Independence. Imagine if you don't grant them their citizenship, surely the British use this excuse to not grant the Independence, those sly bastards. Very smart indeed, you just managed to outwit the British to get this done only on papers but these Chinese and Indians have been never been welcomed hitherto. Heck, my sources told me some Malays still call them "immigrants". I must send my people to learn on how to handle immigrants in your country, so that we can apply them in Arizona. I'm sure you've heard about the much criticized immigration bill signed into law in the US state of Arizona that allows police officers to question and detain suspected illegal immigrants even if they are not believed to have committed a crime. People have been giving me hell ever since.

Najib : Oh, yes, you have come to the right place to train your agents. We may not specialize in making good cars, but just like we are brilliant in marketing them, we definitely are the experts on questioning not to mention detaining, not just illegals and legal immigrants, but also anyone who gets in our way. I'm sure you've heard of our much feared ISA detention. We just shove whoever we like into detention and work out the excuse for detention later. Over here we practice pre-emptive detention, of course we adapted this from your predecessor Bush. I mean, how brilliant is that, preemptive war!! Bush must have had this idea while watching that brilliant movie, "Minority report". Ha..ha..speaking of minority, over here in Malaysia, we too have a "Minority Report" but anyone who make that report incidentally will end up under ISA detention. Like I said, we may not be brilliant in making cars, but we are brilliant detaining people. although we still have problems defining the word sedition but we are working on it.

Obama : Well, my fellow comrade, that is why the Dictionary was invented you know.

Najib : Well, I beg to differ. Here in Malaysia, we tend to have our very own vocabulary aid, designed to be interactive like one of those Astro shows for our kids and we call Dick-tionary, whereby we get to tailor the words to our liking. I mean, so far we've managed to convince, well majority of our people that racist bigots for instance, does not fall under seditious, but satire is.

Obama : Ah yes, I've just been informed about your latest detention. A cartoonist am I right?

Najib : Wow, I am certainly impressed by the efficiency of CIA. They actually picked this up before CNN did. I mean after September 11, many have stopped calling your Intelligence unit, intelligent, but we'll save this topic for later.

Obama : Oh, no, it was not the CIA that picked up this story. Actually I got this piece of information from the Facebook, and yes, they've finally hack-proof my Blackberry. It was so embarrassing that some of the personal data leaked, I mean, people now know that I'm surrounded by Jews, but hey, there is no proof that link them to Zionist the movements, so that was a relief. You know, I've got a brilliant FB page going on in there. My attention was brought to this cartoonist matter when my eyes caught sight of this certain witty guy called John, who posted on his status, the words, "Cartoonist was arrested by Cartoons". I have to tell you I ROFLOL so much so the thud caused second level panic at the white house because the trainee CIA, who was with me at the time, thought it was some WMD dropped onto the White House. We have been very jittery since 9/11.

Najib : Ah yes, I had the same problem when my wife slipped and fell onto the floor in Sabah recently, but she was far from ROFLOL mode.

Obama : Ah yes, I believe I read about it on FB, Twitter and Blogs. My my, she made the headlines. Don't you have a Facebook account Najib? It's an excellent networking tool. It had helped me won the premiership

Najib. : I had one. It was fun until my wife caught me poking on FB. She told me, "enough poking already, remember where the last poke got you into?". From thereon, no woman was allowed to be on my friend list. She even suggested that poking is seditious and should be detain under ISA. Oh, my pudding pie loves me so very much I sometimes am overwhelmed by her.

Obama : But Najib, don't you think you should drop this ISA business. I was told that it is manipulated and used at the whims of those few powerful people...I mean, that's what my Intelligence briefed me..but well, after 9/11, they have very much lost credibility, it could have just been called the "Central Intelligent Agency ?".

Najib : Oh, I did not make myself clear. Sorry, I meant ISA as in InSecurityActions. You mistook that for our Internal Security Act. I should have been more specific, my apologies. Then again, Obama, it's just terminology. We call it ISA, you call it Guantanamo Bay. Tomaaato, tomayto.. Eh, when are you going to send me some people to train in water boarding. I think this water is still cheaper to use rather than eggs. The old man is right you know. These Malaysians are really not grateful. We serve them eggs in detention, they say it's food fit for dogs. Common lar...we kill dogs, we don't feed them.

Obama : You know, you really ought to look into this matter. Somebody on facebook suggested you use that video in which your wife dueted with your local sensational artist, Mawi. Apparently survey done on facebook showed that people think that that video should be much more effective than our water boarding. Here, let me tap into your wifi and check out this video they are talking about.

Najib : darling wife. I did warn her to keep her day job after seeing that video. You know, I really must make a mental note to ask Jintao how he manage to ban You Tube and Google in China.

Obama : Ah yes, China. I did China trip just after Mongolia last year. I'm sorry about you not being able to go to Mongolia. The women there are truly beautiful.

Najib : *&()^$%#@?!! (muffling sound)

Obama : Pardon me?

Najib : Oh excuse me, it's just my post nasal drip flaring up again.

Obama : Post nasal drip? What is that? Is that why you have those tiny bits of saliva at the corners of your mouth soon after you pass 5 minutes of talking time? Lucky you have such luscious pink lips, otherwise those saliva would have been a major distraction.

Embarrassed, it was this that instigated a quick change in the subject ergo how Najib came up with telling Obama that Malaysia is prepared to help America fight Islamphobia.

Najib : Eh, what is the deal with the building mosque two blocks away from Ground Zero?

Obama : Ah that. I cannot believe how much crap I have to put up with as a consequence of my condoning the building of that particular mosque. Some pastor from Florida started getting ideas that it is okay to burn the Quran on 9/11 as a sign of retaliation. Right now I'm sending in my agents to determine, who are the Dumb, and who are the Dumber.

Najib : Yes, I noticed you allowed the erection of mosque, is that a political move?

Obama : I don't know how you do things in Malaysia, but in the United States, we have constitutions and we have been proudly upholding them hitherto. We honor and respect everyone's beliefs long as they do not interfere with the convenience of others.

Najib : Aah....I understand what you mean. In Malaysia we have this latest theme, "One Malaysia".

Obama : Oh, but our views are far more than just themes and logos. We live up to them as have our forefathers as envisioned by the founders of America. Abraham Lincoln, god bless him and America. My CIA is not all that daft you know.

Najib : Your CIA may not be daft, but statistics showed that Americans do not know enough about Islam to suddenly hate it. Remember the poor Sikh who got shot just because he wore a turban and people mistaken him for a Muslim? I mean, they even think that you are a Muslim just because your middle name is Hussain !! Errr....are you?

Obama : I hope you have not mistaken me for Bush, I have way more IQ score than him. He was just there as a puppet, or clown if I may. He was so funny, that when he left the White House, the media cried because comedy died that day. Make no mistake about it, I am not Bush. With apostasy, when clearly your own Quran mentioned that "there is no compulsion in Islam", why would I want to enter a trap set up by Islam? It's like that Hotel California song, "You can checkout any time you like, But you can never leave".

Najib : The issue here is you people are scared of Islam. Let me show you that Islam is a benign and moderate religion.

Obama : How can that possibly be moderate in your country? I mean what was that deal with the flogging of Kartika and the adulterers. Were there any males involved in those adultery, and if so, why was it that the men were not whipped? You claim to be practicing progression, but my sources showed that you have gone two steps backwards in time. What happened to forgiveness? You want me to quote some Quranic verses the way I quoted the Torah during my speech in Israel? I mean, if I, a non Muslim cannot in your country mention the word "Allaa" then perhaps I better not upset your people by quoting your Quran. I mean, with people like Mat Selamat, who is ironically declared not a threat to the nation, yet you found a cartoonist a threat, running loose in between Singapore and Malaysia, and Indonesia, make no mistake about it, how can I not be feeling a little bit threatened .

Najib : Actually, in all honesty, those were just for shows, to show voters that we the incumbents, have repented after the last GE tsunami and that as usual, in Malaysia, repent can be shown by what the eyes can perceive. It would be good if I can get my wife to cover her head, because the culture in Malaysia currently shows that a sign for repentance in a woman is when she covers her head. People here are generally more concern with what is ON a woman's head, not so much what is IN her head. But I digress.

Obama : You are saying that to regain trust of voters for the next GE, you approach the method whereby religion, which incidentally never fails to be an effective tool in politics...... I mean, ask us the Americans, we are THE expert in doing that..haha.. Bin Laden still thought that we, via the CIA, have nothing to do with strengthening the Taliban when we needed to get Russia out of Afghanistan. Man, we were brilliant, even the Mossad adapted our method by sponsoring and training the Hamas in a quest to counter the Hisbullah ergo Arafat...or was it the other way round...hmmm....I'm feeling a bit tipsy...what is this I'm drinking?

Najib : Oh, it's tapai. We did not want to take the risk, unsure whether you being a Muslim was a rumour or otherwise, so we served Tapai, it is halal.

Obama : Hmmm....I must get Michelle to taste this,she's big on vegetables right now...I'm sure she'd like to taste your local fermented stuff ...tapai..hmm.... Annyway, my point is, you try to win voters by being more Islamic than your rival...what's that party that looked like they've been transported via a wormhole to the present from the time of Muhammad again? Why are they dressed like they come from the past? And yet you say Islam is progressive. Look how you present yourselves? By the way, I must get Hawkings to research how on earth their camels did not make it through the wormhole. He's been calling me that Hawkings, obviously edgy and jittery and feeling paranoid that some Clergy may send someone to blow him up into pieces for the latest discovery he revealed that claims God did not create the Universe. That man, it's as though it's not enough that he's on the wheelchair, now he's trying to commit suicide by declaring such scientific shocking statements. You and I learn history. We are aware of human tendencies to stop brilliant minds from excelling by cutting off the vault that holds the brains.

Well, come to think of it, at least Hawkings won't be able to strangle himself to death the way Teoh Beng Hock did under the custody of your anti-corruption unit, what with in his condition ad all, so even if he's dead, we can safely rule out suicide this time around. Seriously Najib, I thought I was in deep shit when I took over bloody Bush in office. Looks like you are in a deeper shit than I am.

Oh God, this tapai is really making me have difficulties in staying focus. What I meant to ask you, is, instead of trying to out-Islam your rival, have you tried combating corruption instead? You cannot beat Islamists at their game you know, didn't your intelligence brief you? Do you have intelligence at all Najib?

Najib : I ....bbbbeg your pardoooon...

Obama : didn't mean it that way. I tend to forget diplomacy ways of communication when I'm a bit tipsy. I meant your Intelligence equavalence to our CIA.

Najib : Oh. Well, we have our special branch.

Obama : You mean the same bunch who chucked aside TBH's suicide note just because he could not comprehend Chinese? Just wondering, do they understand English? I would be very worried if they don't. I don't feel safe in Malaysia.

Najib : About that, I was wondering if America can send language teachers to Asean nations, similar to the Peace Corps projects of the 1960s initiated by President John F. Kennedy, where youth volunteers travelled the globe to help in community projects.

Obama : I know why Malaysians like everything possibly free. Obviously, your "Kepimpinan Melalui Tauladan" theme is such a success. I mean, look at the level of corruption in your country!!

Najib : Are you trying to be condescending?

Obama : I think we better end this meeting. I think I may just have had too much of that delicious tapai, even your Mrs looks attractive right now. Let's end this with a photo session, do call in the rest to join us.

Najib : Of course. (but swearing under breath is not counted as seditious anywhere in the world)

Obama : It is nice to have met your acquantance, finally. I've heard so much about you.

Najib : Likewise. Will you be coming to visit in Malaysia?

Obama : No. Oh, by the way, I may look up on your suggestion of the ressurrection of the Peace corp program, but let me be clear, I will not be sending any to malaysia. It would be a waste of our resources, since I've read somewhere that malaysian prefers to study their Mathematics and Science in native language. I was not aware though, that the Orang Asli speak Bahasa Malaysia. Anyway, farewell.

They shook hands and bid their farewell. Those last words exchanged may be the reason why they stood not side by side, but far apart in that photo session.

It was at this point when my phone rang and I was awoken up from my day dreaming in the kedai mamak. Duty called. I took a last sip of my already cold teh tarik, and made my way back to work, smiling as I recall my own imagination ;->


galadriel said...

You, my dear, are absolutely evil and creative abt it to boot. Enjoyed reading this immensely.

Hazriq said...

Wicked, simply and deliciously wicked.Thanks for bringing laughter to my otherwise dull Monday!!

PahNur said...

@ galadriel, trust me, I enjoyed writing this piece.. would probably be my fav, Ibrahim ibnu Ali Alkatun... ;->

@ Hazriq, :-D

Anonymous said...

Just build this forum via google. Ready to join you. I came here to learn your language . thanks all.