It's been four days since I started fasting in Ramadhan, and frankly, I am beginning to think that it had altered my mood. Or perhaps it is my patients. I just don't get it. Patients come in sick, having fever, expecting me to examine them, then when I want to do my job, they ask me dumb questions, which I see it as a test from God.
Question #1 :
I get this sometimes when I need to put a thermometer into a patient's mouth to check the temperature.
Patient : " Is it okay to put that in the mouth?"
My thoughts: "Why? Would you rather me take your anal temperature instead?"
As usual, I'd say: "Why?"
Patient : "I understand when you're fasting, you cannot put anything into any orifices"
My thoughts: "Tell me you gain satiety just snacking on thermometers or plunge into an abyss of multiple orgasms the moment I stick this gadget into your mouth and I'll try to understand your fetish and why you don't want this in your mouth."
But I said: "Well, I don't see why not,it's not like I'm putting food into your mouth. But if you feel uncomfortable then, I won't use this"
Question #2: Prescribing medication for the infected ears, whereby I have to prescribe ear drops and it works better when put frequently, is not a favourite treatment.
Patient: "Is it okay for me to put this into my ears, I'm fasting"
My thoughts: "Here we go again. What is it about us Muslims and holes?!!!"
I said: "I get this a lot you know. But I keep telling everyone, if you're sick, you're sick. You need to get this medication as prescribed otherwise,your condition will deteriorate and soon, I doubt you will be able to hear the Azan for buka puasa. Besides, if you're sick, you really shouldn't fast. But if you ask me, I won't want to skip fasting just to have some ear solution dropped into my ears.Won't do any good for my cholestrol levels. I think that is the main reason for fasting"(..."besides teaching me patience" I continued in my head)
Patient: "May I have the day off today doctor?"
I asked: "Why don't you break fast and take the medication. You'll feel much better after that"
Patient: "I don't want to break my fast, it'll be a waste. I just need rest, then I'll be okay"
My thoughts: "You don't want to break fast to feel better yet you just want to waste company's money by lying around in the house waiting for buka puasa time. Those days, people go to war to defend their religion during the fasting month you know. Besides, God says that if you are not well, don't fast and try to get better. You've got your priority mixed up"
I'd say: " You're not that sick. All you need is to take the medication and you'll be up and about again. Don't you want to feel better? Besides, if you continue fasting when you're sick, which is by the way, against God's ruling, you'd get more sick by tomorow. What do you want to do then? Fast, take another day off and get more sick?"
A patient came in just 25minutes after lunch time, claiming she was suffering from a severe chest pain. It was my lunch time but since it is fasting month, I was busy doing things I usually don't do at the time. It's amazing how much free time one has when she's not eating. Anyway, I told my nurse to do an ECG (a machine to record heart attacks). Odd enough, the lady refused despite us being adamant about the need of taking her ECG.
Patient : Do I have to take off my bra for this ECG? I am fasting.I don't my "puasa to batal"
My thoughts: You mean you're worried that the moment I see your breasts, I'd think of milk and meat and get hungry, therefore MY puasa will batal? Do you actually think the doctors get turned on looking at private parts? We see them as soon as we entered medical school and frankly, even if I am a lesbian, I'd need therapy just to get turned on looking at naked bodies. Or are you telling me you get turned on having a woman look at your breasts? Or are those actually real breasts? Hmm..What a mind boggling question you've just asked me. Never knew a simple bra could boggle a mind. Imagine what I am capable of thinking if I am not fasting and have all that sugar for energy to think at my fullest capacity.
I told my nurse instead, to tell the lady with the breast full of secrets: If she refuses ECG, there's nothing much I can do about it. I only entertain emergency cases at this time, otherwise, come back at 2pm.
The patient asked: If I come back at 2pm, do I still have to take ECG and take off my bra?
My thoughts: If you're having a heart attack, we will not see you at 2pm. But if you manage to survive you chest pain, I'll ask everyone to do the ECG blindfolded, you included. You might batal your puasa looking at your own breasts.
I told my nurse to tell her: Ask her what she wants me to say.
My nurse who knows me too well told the patient: The doctor said yes.
Patient: I think I'll wait after buka puasa then I'll do the ECG.
My thoughts: Let me guess,you just guard your private parts only when you fast. Other times, it is okay to flash. Hmmm...Whatever. I hope you live till then and have a good day. I wonder what I am going to cook for my buka puasa today..should I try the Italian recipe book I just bought or....oh, anything but milk and chicken breasts will do...
I told my nurse to tell the patient: I hope her chest pain is not a heart attack but merely an eruption of a new third breast.
The same nurse told the patient: The doctor says if the pain becomes severe, please come back before then. We'll be here for you.
Question #5 :
Patient is having haemarrhoids (piles) and bleeding.
Patient: "Are you sure that you are going to put that thing inside my anus?
My thoughts: "No, but I'd do it anyway because I am bored and looking at assholes perks me up"
But I said: "You say you're bleeding and the only way for me to be sure what is the cause of bleeding, is to put this proctoscope into your anus to see, why is it shedding blood"
Patient: "Would it ruin my fast?"
My thoughts: "Give me a second and I'll speak to God and negotiate. AAAUUUUUMMMMMMM. Yes, God had asked me to pass on this message to you. God told me to tell you that you're having menses, except from the adjacent hole. Break your fast and your anal virginity by letting the doctor shove the proctoscope up yours.P/S He won't penalize you for breaking fast today and this is not considered as sodomy. Yours Sincerely, God."
But I said: "I won't examine if you are not comfortable with it, but I insist that you need to, otherwise, I may be giving you the wrong treatment"
I have to admit though, I am getting less patients during fasting month. Funny how,it's just not shoving medical gadgets into orifices that shies the patients away, it's also the injections and the blood taking too.Are we not to donate blood during fasting month even though there is dire and urgent need to do so? People are so much occupied with the trivial matters that they have failed to see the purpose of fasting as a whole (not hole). Hmm Perhaps this not wanting to shove things into any orifice fatwa may be beneficial to my health after all. Finally, I get to rest a bit.
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