The X-Files, Malaysian Style

I love to watch the X-files. It used to be one of the hit series. Agent Mulder and whats-her-name, (well, I only remember the good looking heroes, it is healthy. You should start worrying if I fancy the heroines), never fail to entertain us with mind boggling scenes. One thing I like about Hollywood movies, even when they're illogical, they are the most logically convincing illogicallity. I mean, if you want to lie, go all the way right?

Take the big lie of man landing on the moon for instance. Oh, for those of you who had not seen the documentary on this, in Discovery Channel sometime ago (not done by the muslims by the way) , the scientists scrutinized the film of men landing on moon, and suggested that the film was most likely shot on some man made site. You'd probably find the weapon of mass destruction at the same location, I reckon.

In the spirit of Malaysia Boleh! , I can't help but wonder how it would be like having a TV series of the same theme, of our own. Picture this. The hero would be Hans Isaac, because, he's probably one of the good looking male actor who do not look stupid, and can actually act. The heroine, well, I don't really care who, because I won't be looking at her that much anyway, would be, let me see, Ida Nerina. Yes, she looks smart, I suspect she is smart in real life too. You can just tell. ( It takes a smarty pants to recognize another). Why the importance of good looking leading roles? In case you hadn't noticed, in Malaysia, the Pan Asians and the good looking people gets almost all the leading role. If you're good looking and have nothing better to do, get into the Malaysian showbiz. It would be a bonus if you could actually act or sing. Talk about reality bites, this one bites you on the butt.

In this particular episode, Agent Hans and Agent Ida were called in for a case whereby a supermodel of Bangladesh origin was blasted to pieces. Apparently, the supermodel , male by the way, was traced back to a Minister's butler. Would mentioning that the butler is male be redundant? Is there a female butler? Well, anyway, if there is such thing as a female butler,this one's a male. The butler, with the help of two special unit policemen who seem to be his drinking buddies, were responsible in the killing then the bombing to pieces, of the unfortunate Bagladeshi model. Err, by drinking buddies,( as I am a muslim, and I must keep my article and imagination as halal as possible) I meant that they drink the remaining tapai syrup together almost every other day, at one of the police's mother's home, as she sells the tapai, and it seem wasteful to just throw away the tapai juice. Islam prohibits wastage and tapai juice, although consist ethanol,the only one of the twelve type of alcohol from alcohol family that possess intoxicating properties, is declared halal by our Imams.

The plot thickens. Agent Hans banged his head on his locker, after getting out of the hot shower, a method he normally use when he needed to think straight, much to the spectator's delight of course. The unwiped half water half vapour dribbled from his soaking hair, down to his muscular chest, his 6 packs and .......WOAH.....sorry, I got side tracked just thinking of Agent Hans getting out of the shower in a skimpy towel...Back to the actual story, Agent Hans wondered hard, why he did not thought of becoming a Minister's butler, as such positions may reward him the power to blast anyone to pieces. He couldn't help wondering what the butler's boss can do with HIS power. At this point, the spectator couldn't be bothered with the plot, as they were busy admiring Agent Hans showing off what his papa gave him.

Oh wait, I forgot about Agent Ida. She's still in the scene. Being a female however, naturally she is quicker to think, as unlike men, women only have one head and that cuts down the chances of less blood supply to support the thinking process. Poor men. Not many can think straight especially when females are involved, due to lack of oxygen from blood supply. The two heads have to share the total body blood. Blood supply split into two, some go to the head on the neck and the one between the thighs Unfortunately, everything has to obey the gravitational law, therefore, as the latter is lower, more blood flows to it. That explains why most wars are instigated by the more silently intelligent women. Perhaps men may do better on the moon.

Agent Ida, oozing with intelligence, managed to figure out the connection between the butler, the Bangladeshi model, and the minister. This led to the revelation of the biggest scandal of the millenium. As Malaysians like to talk a lot, and aloud, especially in cinemas, while the movie is playing,( its bad enough having the scene half covered with subtitles in three languages, some monkey had to read them aloud, or explain to their friend who doesn't comprehend the language of the movie, nor the subtitle ) this time, our culture proved itself worthy. Information from the public lead the two agent to believe that the two policemen, the butler, the minister and the Bangladeshi model belong to the same secret society called , " The Bangla Dash" where free homosexuality is their core practice. They also found out, not to their surprise though, that Ayah Pin was kicked out of the circle of trust, as he tried to bring in female members into the secret society.

To cut the story short, all of them, were caught in some bombastic scene involving explotion of what look like a miniature car blasted with fireworks. ( Hey, this is a low budget movie okay. Can't take the risk of plunging in too much money in movies other than the love story or the ghost story, or the ghosts' love story, here in malaysia. Remember Sumolah? Not many malaysians like thinking movies, although they will go and watch Hans Isaac in his skimpy towel scene and the beautiful Ida Nerina) And of course the minister was spared. (are you mad?!! In Malaysia,Ministers are like Bollywood stars in India!!! Practically the untouchable. I can't comment on Sanjay Dutt however. Even in the movie, they cannot be caught!! It's impossible!! Both in fiction and non fictional stories). And of course we all know Ayah Pin dissapeared, why do you think I added him in this Malaysian X-file movie.
They were tried in the court of justice. What do you mean by, "justice?", this is a movie. Unrealistic things happen in a movie.

You know lah our ju-DICK-tiory system, very slow lah. However. on the contrary to public assumptions, although almost all law books are in english, the lawyers did not encounter much problems translating what they learn in University, which were all in English, to the compulsory usage of Bahasa Malaysia in our local court, as 3/4 of the terminology evolved from English words, and all they had to do was add the phrase "-i" at the back of each terminology, or should I spell it as "terminologi"?

We all know the verdict at the end of the long court drama, so long and winding, some even got bored and started playing sudoku while waiting for trial. I'm trying to keep the series as realistic as possible. And of course, to be able to do that, the plot will end up with everyone acquited. That is the only way that the Minister will remain untouchable, both fictional and non fictionally. Or perhaps, I create a plot whereby they will be charged, each with minimal sentence, let them off from jail earlier on grounds of good behaviour, they will come out and lots of unexplained money in their bank accounts will be discovered.

So why do I call this television series the X-files, when there is no aliens nor UFOs involved? Don't you get it? The truth remained elusive and uncovered, just like the UFOs and aliens. This is where the thrill lies. To remain elusive and uncovered. These files ends up with the rest of the Malaysian X-files, for example "The APs and no downs of Rafidah", "How to get through Australian Immigration, by Muhammad Taib, (our non English speaking Menteri Besar)", "Renong-lah Daim" to name a few. Future incoming files would probably be, " Hishamudin and the RM3 karipap", "Altantuya, the suicide bomber" etc etc...Yessssss. I see future in Malaysian X-files series. Move aside Afdlin Shauki, Yasmin Ahmad, especially Yusof Haslam, because a new low budget movie director is born.