Oh Rats!!!

A rat found its way into my house. No, I was not talking about any new man in my life. Well, you can’t blame me for having to be specific. I was born in a time where pussy and cock still refers to solely animals.

Anyway, as I have said, a rat somehow managed to crawl through the bathroom windows, left claw marks on the dusty glass (it doesn’t take a Hercule Poirot to figure this mystery out). It’s ability to squeeze itself through a small slit awed me so much, that I cannot help but wonder how much of squeezing can it take in my bare hands until it gets squashed finally. Well, you cannot blame me for having my killer instinct switched on especially when I have to share some of my foodstuff with the creature that invited itself in. Hmm…the rat reminds me of some relatives, they have the art of inviting themselves in at the very time when you desperately need your privacy.

My Chinese friend insisted, that since it is the year of the Rat, it has to mean good luck. I however, beg to differ, pardon me for being rude, but how can a creature of destruction bring prosperity when you know you need to put aside some cash in expectation to counter the damages that soon this only-cute-in-cartoon-form little creature may inflict.

The darn rat was so efficiently sneaky, I named it after my late husband. In the first few days, I caught it’s activities by listening to it. Somehow, the rat must have learned it’s way around and for a few blissful days, it's retinence prevails so much so, I thought that it had found it’s way out.

Then there was that incident of us bumping into each other. I only wished someone had invented a machine to measure shock level, so that it would satisfy my curiosity of who is more shocked at the other’s sight. I do know however, that both of us mammals proved to have good cardiovascular functions as none of us died of a heart attack. Hmm…perhaps I should suggest to the Cardiology Medical Board, to add rats to our Stress Test, adding alternatives to using chemicals and having people run on tread mills. Maybe we could use rats to stress patients with BMI >30km/m2, who cannot run the tread mill not because they have a heart condition, but because their bones cannot carry their flesh.

Of course I put the mouse traps out. I know we Malaysians are tolerant people, hence the incumbent government, but a rat in the house can really jerk your primal instincts, especially when you know there is no rule against killing this species. Doesn't this fact makes you wish you live in a cowboy era? You don't like how someone's armpits smells, you just pull a gun and squeeze the trigger. Kaboom! He's history. The darn rat, did not take up the baits, and I was beginning to wonder whether I have a rat that is like me when I’m in love, living solely on love and air….

I released my cat, (who probably thought that it’s cute seductive “I’m adorable please let me in” eye lashes flicker finally worked on me) into the house only to find me cursing at my mistake of introducing the hopeless cat to Friskies. (N.B. at the time of this writing, my daughter corrected me by reminding me that cats have no eyelashes. Forgive my mistake as I am a doctor, not a vetenarian, all my patients have eyelashes.). The darn cat totally reminded me of a king, purring with contentment and blur with obtuse. It just looked at the rat just like it looks at me, a gaze in disdain. At that moment of temporary insanity, I almost strangled the cat instead.

What have we humans done?!!! We have taken away the predator trait of a cat. Ergo, they no longer have interest in eating up rats!! We’ve destroyed the biological control system and probably the ecological system just by inventing Friskies!!

Someone suggested I poison the rat. My pupils dilated at the thought of killing a creature of God. No, I told myself, I’d rather kill the corrupted politicians and bureaucrats who are aware of what they are doing in the quest towards self-gain, instead of the rat that causes destruction unintentionally. I wonder how such creatures can look at themselves in the mirror. You know which creature I am referring to, as rats don’t possess mirrors.

I don’t mind squashing a leech or a mosquito though. Now those are bloodsucking parasites worth squashing. I know you think I’m talking about the lawyers, but no, I am not referring to them. Please take note that they have huge difference between them, the lawyers and the mosquito/leeches I meant. Well of course it’s the fancy briefcase…duuuh…

Actually, I hate to say this but doctors are fast competing with lawyers in this bloodsucking arena. With all of this furious competition going on, it’s no wonder the vampires are fast facing extinction. It doesn’t help that they are not granted license to suck blood legally. But at least the HIV victims have one blood sucker less to worry about.

All this talk isn't solving my problem. I still have a rat in the house and I do not know how on earth to get rid of it, in a non- Mafia sense of it of course. But, in true Mafia spirit, I shall have to “go to the mattress” , it means in layman term, “solve the problem before the problem solves you”. (hmm..i found something else that rhymes..."dissolve the government before the government dissolves you"...oh, just a thought that crossed my mind)..It is amazing how a little rat reminds me how human are so very much alike animals, you can't blame Darwin for his version of the evolusion theory. (ask for my version, it's got to do with all this hair i've inherited!!). I guess this happens only when we fail to apply our “aqal”, something that differentiate between us humans from the animals. It’s even more amazing that some humans just feel comfortable practicing its similarities.. I wonder how these people sleep at night. Oh wait. I forgot about those sleeping tablets people often beg me to prescribe. There you go, one more mystery solved.

In the meantime, I’m most likely to get nightmares whereby the rat becomes 5times larger, take off his hat on the way out to venture new horizons, after chewing on me as I have finally ran out of food in the house, then curteously bow to me saying “Thank you Ma’am, it’s nice gnawing you…”