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Sunday, 1 February 2009

The Vitruvian Man

I had this conversation going on over breakfast with my daughter. She was commenting on the Vitruvian Man that hangs on the wall beside the picnic table. Actually, I had a plant covering that man's private part, just as to respect my neighbor next door, not to mention the kids who stared at the picture with their jaw dropped just like the breasts of an old lady defeated by gravity. Incidentally, I had to take my plants out to get some sunshine, leaving the Vitruvian Man, in it's true form of art.

I'm one of those people who have conversation of just about anything with my daughter, and that include sex. I figured, since teenagers will end up talking about sex anyway,whether we adults admit it or chose to be in denial, might as well talk to their mother about it, because leaving teenagers with their active imagination may prove to have the same effect as a WMD to Americans, and as far as my working experience takes me, the cannons in this type of WMD are very effective on fertile grounds and you can almost see the results 9 months later.

"It looks pathetic and shriveled really" she commented on Vitruvian's genitals.
"It may look pathetic as it poses for a paint, but trust me, those sneeky little gadgets have a way of rising to the occasion. ", I replied as I shoved a piece of bread into my mouth in an attempt to hide my amusement that may be uncovered by the upward curvature of my lips.
"Yew....yeww..yeww...", she put down her sausages immediately, oblivious to the humour that that simple act had triggered in her mom's mind. Obviously mommy was in one of her estrous cycles.

I was tempted to say more but decided to shut up instead, as saying "Actually the appropriate word is yumm" is not appropriate to say to an already mentally traumatized teenager.

She took me by surprised when she said, "I wonder how Muslim women are going to cope should we realized on our wedding night, the husband's genitals are too small". It was my turn to have my jaw every other part of my body decaying through half life, jaded from the war against gravity. But it was a relief to hear that she still thinks that sex is sacred and has to be with the husband on the first night. Of course I will encourage this myth,I hope no one had given her the idea that test-driving is an option to purchasing a good car, then there will be a lot more to explain and it's going to be....sticky. I will smack the head of the person who said it's easy being a mom...only if you are a cat, than yes. (My cat is having more sex than all the housewives in my neighbourhood put together by the way...that tramp...I keep telling my friends while I'm creative, my cat is procreative...of course I envy her)

"Well, first of all, size does not matter,(of course coming from someone who married a Punjabi, that sounded hypocritical, but hey, I was talking to a kid...I can get away with things). Secondly, marriage is not all about sex..(but it can wreck one if it is not satisfying, I can tell ya that)".

"Well,women should as well enjoy the sex since the childbirth is going to be painful as hell. Otherwise, it just won't be fair"...I almost choked on my Milo as I let a gush of laughter escape my throat..

Honest to God, I was left speechless. Where do these kids get to know all this stuff at 14?. I was far too busy climbing trees and trying to figure out how to muster the guts to snitch my next door's neighbor's neighbor rambutans from the tree at 14,(I always have excellent plans in crime, just lacking the guts for execution, that is why I am not a con artist that I secretly wish I am), no time to think about boy-girl relationships. As far as I was concerned, boys spend half their life running away from girls and the other half chasing after them. Girls are less complex in thinking when it comes to boys. We just thought that boys were God's experimental mistake, although I still think some of them grew up to be God's bigger experimental mistake.

I was 21 when I became the joke of the campus. Hell, I thought the act of sex requires the man to thrust his brother into her sister one time and that was in and out movement, and of course it goes without saying that I thought the word "orgasm" was "the word organ spelled wrongly". It was no wonder that when friend crack jokes like "What is better than a rose on a piano? ---tulips on an organ", I did not quite get it. I was a sex illiterate and I blame my mother for it!!! I was quite upset when I found out sex was more than just one was bloody hard work. My friends back at Uni use to tease me saying "Pah Nur's got 'thrust'-issues".

So I vouch not to do the same to my daughter. No matter how uncomfortable it is to talk about sex to my kid, I make an attempt albeit more on the answering method instead of giving too much information to her. I guess in a way I'm a little selfish, in not wanting her to grow too fast.
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Mr Bojangles said...

Chipolata Man.

Abang Atlas was in the bedroom posing in all his naked glory, flexing, tensing, contracting his muscles, showing his baseball sized biceps, etc, etc and asked his wife "So, hon, what do you think of this 180lbs of dynamite just waiting to explode into action?"

Wifey lifts her eyes from the mag she's reading, "What's the point of having 180 lbs of dynamite when there's only a 4 inch fuse?"

pah nur said...


taxy said...

I thought its less about the length as it is about the width?

I can't believe I just asked that. :P

pah nur said...

Anatomically speaking, well, the women's G spot is not in the umbilicus, so as long as Mr Dick reaches the point that matters, I guess it's fine. The extra length is probably a bonus. As for width, you're right, it gets the job done. But if you have both, width and length, well, how can one misses the G spot, unless he misses the canal and ended up in a different canal altogether....