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Thursday, 21 June 2007

Does size really matter?

If you've driven long enough in KL, you'd realise, you can actually categorize the type of cars and the type of drivers.

My passion in describing cars and the drivers would definitely begin with the Kancil. Now, if you analyse closely, you can see that there are two types of drivers driving this cute but can be really toothache annoying piece of machine. There are those with "P"s sticking on the top left of the rear window, and there are those without. I hardly find men driving Kancil with "P"s. Perhaps men would prefer to be caught by authorities rather than caught dead driving with a "P" sign, which probably may injure their ego rather than anything else. It's still okay,if one gets caught by our local "datuk", well, you know what they say about,"malaysia boleh.....boleh kiraaaa"

If you happen to be stranded behind a woman driving a Kancil with a "P", I suggest you do not wait a minute longer, give the signal and overtake, make sure leave her at least 200 meters behind. Why? Because even 1 minute longer you spent behind this car may trigger a series of irritating events.

First, they may be going at a speed of anti-lightning,on the rightmost lane, not worried about the cars behind, building up into trailers, leaving you aggitated. Trying to overtake may be difficult, for they sometimes seem to be quite inconsistent with the speed. It's as though the car comes with an "over take" detector whereby automatically, these bloody cars speed up when someone tries to overtake them. I suggest, if you happen to get caught behind a Kanchil with a woman slightly faster than the kereta lembu, hang whatever you learn in driving school, assuming you did learn something and did not obtain "kopi O" licence, overtake her from the left if you have to. Because if she is daft enough not to think that she is holding up traffic with her bad sense of geography on the road, chances are very high for her to be obtuse with the flashing of highlights, honking and following closely on purpose with intentions to intimidate.

If the lady is wearing tudung, most likely this whole scenario will take place at a turtle's pace,driving you mad when you're already late for work. Most malay ladies have this "tak pe lah" attitude, demanding the public to symphatize with their incompetency in driving.(Most Malay women are brought up thinking all men are much superior and something is wrong with them if they are competent and self sufficient) Notice how most, I am not saying all, malay lady drivers would drive like " daaaa..", not a care in the world, expecting the world to take care of them on the road. They may not get involved in any accident ( not much damage from impact from a turtle's pace) but they sure as hell can cause other's to trash into each other !!!!

There are also, if you happen to notice, the type of ladies in Kancil, with that prim and proper hairdo. You know, the hair "ironed",or "rebonded" straight like the spagetti,not a single strand of hair out of place. They will be very much in vogue posture, and can't seem to turn their head at any angle , a requirement for driving cars efficiently. These drivers are as bad as the other drivers. Most will drive as equally irritating as the people I described earlier. Please, do yourself a favor and overtake them.

Another worse case scenario would be driving behind a woman in Kancil with a sticker at the back window that says,"thou shall spread love and tolerance to the world". You can't decide whether to get irritated with the driving, or the driver, or yourself for being unreligious.

Then there are men who drives the Kancil. There are two kinds. One, are the normal kind, probably a middle aged bloke or a retiree who's had their hormones stabilized. Or perhaps they've wrecked enough cars in their puberty lives to only afford a Kancil at present. These are good, well mannered drivers that makes you have faith that not all JPJ personnel are corrupted.

Then there are the close encounter with the undefined kind. I don't know whether this has happened to you before, but it did happened to me. I was driving when I heard this loud F1 engine roaring, coming closer by the seconds. I turned to look into the overhead mirror, only to find a little Kancil, a man with a cap driving it, trying to look like one of the Shumacker brothers.

Obviously the Kancil had undergone engine transplant or tempering. Do you not notice them? These are the worse kind of drivers. They actually think it is cool to drive like someone who has a kidney stone squeezing through their penile urethral tract, rushing to the hospital... I can't help but wonder if it is the caps that are responsible for the reckless driving, for my experience in the medical world, it is those whos brains are deprived of oxygen that may act like a fly just being sprayed by Ridsect. Perhaps they wore their caps on to tight.(or jeans too tight, if it is the other head)

Then there are other issues regarding Kancil. It it the most blamed car for raising false hope for a parking spot. I'm sure many have gotten tricked by this sneaky little car. It's anti-mirage ( you actually don't visualize the kancil until it's too late, loosing the parking spot you gave up for the car behind you, thinking you're doing your civic minded bit, only to find a Kancil tucked comfortably into that particular space you planned to park!!!) And it makes you envious to see how they somehow rather manage to squeeze their way into the most scarce parking slots.

Kancil therefore, if driven like how a normal human being who had passed their mental fitness test drives, are your best bet to purchase if you're driving in town. But beware!! When big bad lorries passes by, Kancils may get sucked underneath the lorries' tyres. Furthermore, somehow rather, the road bullies seem to pick a liking on these minute cars.That is why Kancil, as the name suggests
( from the malaysian folklore, it is a small but smart creature) have no choice but to be smart on the road. Of course, let me not start on the road bullies. That is definitely another story.

Well folks. Join me same time same place next week, whereby I plan to bitch about the type of cars, even in my longest dreams, I can't afford. If you are driving a Kancil, try not to drive like you have this inferiority complex.(something like what they say about short guy,was it,tall ego? ) People don't really care the size of the car, rather, the size of the brains of the driver. At the end of the day, the driving is what really matters...

1 comment:

Hazidi said...

Didn't you know? The Malaysian driving 'lesen' has subcategories:
L - Lembu. Short for 'bodoh macam lembu' a sentiment commonly expressed by driving instructors.
P - Pandai. Describes the feeling that drivers in this situation have, no matter how misguided it may be.