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Monday, 4 June 2007

Meet Dr House....I wish...

Everyone almost always have a bad day every once in a while, even more so when you're aproaching menopause. One that make Mondays feel like expletives are unnecessary..The worse would be having a PMS induce Monday or rather Mournday Blues. A recipe for weapon of mass destruction I dare say. These are the days when people around tend to avoid me like the plague.

Oh yes.. I remember these types of days only too well. As a doctor, I felt like Dr House every time I am in this mood. For those of you who think Dr House is a doctor who offers house visits, I suggest you hold on before resuming reading this article, drop into the nearest movie shop, and get original or ciplak version of House, whichever turns you on. You will enjoy the DVD and my article much better by doing so.

Secretly, I suspect most doctors wish they are Dr House. He is above all, a genius diagnostician. Cynical is his middle name, Miserable, his alias. I’ll let you in to a little secret. Sometimes, when I am with a patient, on my bad day, what I may say to my patient sounds like a politician selling rhetoric 6months before General Election.

Sometimes, it goes like this ………..

Patient : Doctor. I feel a little below the weather today

My thoughts : I know, it’s a bloody Monday, how can anyone not feel like passing out bricks.

But I said : Tell me about it then.

Patient : I’m having this throbbing headache.

My thoughts : You don't say.. After two days of rest? Amazing. What did you do? Did Yoga and had your head stuck in between your legs while doing the Praising The Sun thingy?

But I said : Can you describe the pain to me?

Patient : The whole head feels like its got a heart pumping in it.

My thoughts : Maybe it does. I know you. Always sick on Mondays,Fridays,Hari Wilayah and Hari Gawai.Maybe you don’t have any Grey Matter in that skull of yours, that explains the occupancy of muscle tissue substituting the void. You must really hate your job. Your boss must hate you.

But I said : Did you get enough sleep last night?

Patient : Absolutely.

My thoughts : Yeah right.How do you explain the dark circles under that tricky eyes?

But I said : You look tired though. Did you go somewhere this weekend, perhaps a long time under the sun, golfing?

My thoughts again: You’ve probably fried that muscle mass in between your ears.

Patient : Actually, I just came back from Johor Baru last night. There was this long traffic jam from Muar to Kota Tinggi. A lorry overturned and blah..blah….blah…

My thoughts : My God…look at the amount of make up she’s put on? How insecure can a woman get? Is her husband having an affair with a younger woman? Or another man perhaps? Naaaa...definitely with a younger woman. She’d come in with a sliced vein otherwise.
Patient : blah..blah..blah…blah…

My thoughts : Or perhaps its her habit of nagging. It’s been 45seconds and she’s still going on and on about the trafic jam. Maybe I can shove a thermometer into her mouth. That'll give me silence for a couple of minute.

Patient : Blah….blah…blahh..

My thoughts : Oh your story sound so touchy but it sounds just like a lie…( I was beginning to hear Nat King Cole serenading).

Patient : So what do you think? Doc?

My thoughts : Oh shit!! Busted!!

I said : I don’t understand what you mean. Can you please explain to me again,the end bit, please?

My thoughts : The hell I’m going to hear a rerun of the tragedy of lorry driver high on drugs!!!!

Patient : I have a friend who had similar symptoms. They found an aneurysm in his brain vessel. Do you think I may be having one?

My thoughts : You should. You’d finally earn the MC.

But I said : Unlikely. The probability of two people who know each other suffer from a rare disease is as remote as having most of bureaucrats free from corruption. So don’t worry. Aneurysm is not contagious.

I threw in a fake smile, so I’d get away with being rude, instead a clown.

Patient : But I looked up in the internet and they say that the chances of getting an aneurysm currently is increasing.

My thoughts : Here we go again. You’re giving me an aneurysm in my butt veins lady!!!Maybe I’ll make her happy if I insist she’s got a brain tumor.
Wait…she can’t be having a brain tumor. She needs to have a brain to have that. Oh, but she doesn’t know I think that….should I tell her she's dying? Or maybe not.

I said : You can't always believe whatever that is posted on
the internet. You know, you sound like you could
use some rest. I am going to give you the day off (my
: let's see if i've found the cure for brain
tumor, or aneurysm..), and I will give you something
for your headache. (my thoughts are getting out of
perhaps a knock on the head with my BP set
three times a day will do you wonders). If the
headache does not go off, do come back and I will
refer you for a brain MRI. (my thoughts: I know you
will say ...)
Patient : Oh God No!! You know I am claustrophobic!!! I am sure
with rest and your medication, I will feel better.
My thoughts : Hah! I've cured her aneurysm!! Bye bye you lazy bones

But I said
: I'm sure you'll feel better by tomorrow.
Patient : Thank you doctor.
My thoughts : Oh don't thank me. Just don't come in with complaint of
hemorrhoids the next time. I'll shove a huge
proctoscope up yours...
But I said : My pleasure. Have a good rest.

So you see, each time you see a doctor smile in that weird way, she may be bitching about you on her bad day, but only in her thoughts. You got away with an MC, so there is no reason for you to complaint, right? Oh yes. Within a doctor who woke up from the wrong side of the bed, there is a Dr House buried , waiting to be unleashed....


Hazidi said...

you bloody doctors never listen. Like I told you the last time we "spoke", give them curare or cyanide and they'll be happy. Well, you wont hear them complain anymore anyway.

pah nur said...

doctors are a cross between James Bond and Ibnu Sina, we have licence to heal and kill...but the latter is a bit complicated, even if for mercy killing...So we kill patients in our thoughts, which is more rewarding....